E-Dribble

I don’t respond to them much anymore because they’re just regurgitations of scams I received for years, but this guy spent so much time on this one that I couldn’t help myself. In fact, I could say that I felt led to respond.

The email in question:

Subject: Dear Beloved
From: shelia johnson <gramey@charter.net>
Reply-To: beloved_shelia08@live.com

Dear Beloved in Christ,

It is by the grace of God that I received Christ,having known the
truth,I had no choice than to do what is lawful and right
in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for
witness of God & his mercies and glory upon my life.
I am Mrs.Sheila Johnson the wife of Mr Harold Johnson,my husband worked
with the Chevron/Texaco in Kenya for twenty
years before he died in the year2001.We were married for ten years
without a child. My Husband died after a brief illness that
lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christians.
Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my
matrimonial home which the Bible is against.When my late
husband was alive he deposited the sum of US$3.5M.(Three Million Five
Hundred Thousand U.S.Dollars) with a Bank in Europe.

Presently,this money is still with the Bank and the management just
wrote me as the beneficiary to come forward to sign for the
release of this money or rather issue a letter of authorization to
somebody to receive it on my behalf if I can not come over.
I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me
that I have only a few weeks to live.It is my last wish to see this money distributed to charity
organizations anywhere in the World.Because relatives and friends have
plundered so much of my wealth since my illness,I
cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to
any of them.

Please,I beg you in the name of God to help me Stand and collect the
Funds from the Bank.I want a person that is God fearing that will use
this money to fund churches,orphanages and widows propagating the
word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained.
The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth.

I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will
inherit this money and my husband’s relatives are not Christians and I
don’t want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused
by unbelievers.I don’t want a situation where this money will be used
in an ungodly manner.Hence the reason for taking this bold
decision.I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going.I know
that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord.

Exodus{14 VS 14}says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold
my peace.I don’t need any telephone communication in this
regard because of my soundless voice and presence of my husband’s
relatives around me always.I don’t want them to know about
this development. With God all things are possible.
As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of my
attorney who is in Europe as he will be the one to assist you in laying
claims for this funds.

Kindly send your reply to my private email address which is as follows:
E-mail: shelia4luv@live.com

My humble response:

Dear Lovingly Kissed on the Cheek by Jesus Christ Himself,

I was just talking to Jesus this morning over a cup of decaf(he can’t handle the caffeine at all) and he told me you’d be writing. At first, I thought he was just pulling my leg, but here you are, praise Jesus and the Horse that He Rode In On. It’s hard to tell when he’s screwing with me, because he has the best. poker. face. evar. I once suggested that he run the circuit in Vegas but he just mumbled something about being banned for fixing games.

Shelia, I just want to tell you that you came to the right guy. You risked your millions by sending out emails to anonymous internetizens because you thought you had a better chance of finding an honest person to help you than would your heathen relatives. You were right to do this. During our discussions, Jesus mentioned that even He doesn’t love them due to their shenanigans. I heard about what they did to you while you were locked in the Porta-John last New Year’s Eve night. That was just unconscionable.

I would like to just make a couple of suggestions before we wrap up the transfer of the funds. First, what to do with the money. I’m thinking amusement park. Now, I know there are religious themed parks out there already, but we’re going to have something that no other park has. We are going to have Jesus Christ’s personal endorsement. That’s right, we can use the Big Guy’s likeness however we’d like. He said it’s A-OK. I’ve already come up with a few aspects of the park that can monopolize on this.

The Drop Tower: You know those rides where they send you up vertically really high, then let you drop, cushioning your fall at the last second? We’ll have a huge Jesus statue holding the seats. It will be Jesus himself keeping the riders from crashing to the ground. We’ll call it “Sheep Saver”. If, God forbid, the ride were ever to fail, we’ll rename the ride “Never trust the Anti-Christ”.

Where will you go?: We’ll have an attraction where the host will determine whether you go to Heaven or Hell. Then you’ll get in the appropriate car and take your ride. The visitors going to Heaven will get pummeled by cotton balls, blinded by bright lights and have to deal with high humidity(the clouds surrounding Heaven). Those destined to an eternity in Hell will get mounted on a rotisserie spit, shocked through the ride’s seat and for a finale, we’ll actually light the ride car on fire.

Refreshment stand: When people buy water, it will actually be white wine. We’ll insist it was water when it was in the cooler.

Dunk-a-Moses: Visitors will line up on the bank of a river and as baskets with “Moses” in them float by, they try to throw stones into the basket, causing it to sink. The person with the most sunk baskets wins.

The Greatest Magician: Every hour, we’ll have a show in the center courtyard reenacting the crucification of Jesus Christ. At the very end, Jesus will walk out from behind the curtain to take his bow.

I have a lot of ideas like this and I’m sure you’ll agree that we can’t afford not to move on this. I know you said you wanted me to deal with your attorney in this matter, but to be frank, we don’t have the time. I asked Jesus to restore your voice and he promised he would after he wrapped up some flooding elsewhere. You should expect to be able to speak by this evening. Once your voice has been restored, please call 1-888-225-5322 and I will help in any way that I can to get your money.

I’m sorry to say that you’re still going to die. I could only pick one miracle between having you talk again or living longer. I’m sure you understand the conundrum I found myself in. I’m sure I wouldn’t have gotten the money, had you found yourself free of your illnesses and even Jesus told me I’d be crazy not to make this park a reality.

I very much look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for this chance to help the world. It won’t be wasted.

thanks,
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