E-Dribble

They are now few and far between, but I still welcome the creative 419.

Subject: CIA INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT USA
From: Cia Usa <cia123@ymail.com>
Date: 5/6/2009 1:44 PM
To: cia123@ymail.com
ATTN

Your 25million usd with the CBN IS SECURED  due to
various parties trying to interappect  on scam duties.We
have been investigating this matter to enable us release
access to that account,send all information we need to
know immidetaly or we place you under arrest.

NOTICE
Mr Smith J Rollon
CIA INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT USA
EMAIL cia123456@rocketmail.com

As always, I tried to help him out:

Woah, there, Inspector Gadget. It seems that you’ve misunderstood the purpose of the 419 scam.  Let’s talk about this email you sent for a minute.  We will try to clarify some very important aspects of the scam in hopes that you will pull your non-English speaking head out of your ass and draft another email that has any chance at all of making you a better thief.

I will grade on a 1-10 scale, with 1 being equal to a lobotomized toddler and 10 representing a mastermind.

From and Reply-To address: Now, this is an important but often overlooked aspect of the email.  Let’s see what you used:
————————-
From: “Cia Usa” <cia123@ymail.com>
Reply: <cia123456@rocketmail.com>
————————-
Your score: 1

Comments: Wow, you really fucked this up. You are purporting to represent the US CIA, the penultimate spook agency in the whole of the world(little known fact, but the country of Nauru actually has a more poorly developed intelligence agency) , and you’ve managed to use not one, but two unsecured free web based mail accounts.  To add to your stupidity, you used a sequential string behind “cia” to ensure that you didn’t attempt to register an account that was already in use.

Lessons to be learned: Think big.  You’re going for big money.  Drop $8 on a domain.  If you’re going with a free mail account, try <inspector.gadget-cia@imtoocheaptobuyafuckingdomain.com instead of something as shortsighted as a string of numbers.  Am I supposed to believe that cia123455@rocketmail.com was taken?

Body:
————————-

ATTN

Your 25million usd with the CBN IS SECURED  due to various parties trying to interappect  on scam duties.We have been investigating this matter to enable us release access to that account,send all information we need to know immidetaly or we place you under arrest.

NOTICE
————————-

Your score: -1

Comments: This is what we Americans call the “meat and potatoes” of the email.We call it that because the meat and potatoes are usually the main portion of a meal.  I feel the need to explain this to you because it is very clear that you don’t speak english.  We also have to assume you live in a region undeveloped enough not to have heard of  spellcheck.  Some words in your email, like “immidetaly”, are misspellings that would have been caught by any spell check program in the world. Other words, like “interappect”, are so far removed from any actual word, even a government agent with a college degree would realize that it’s not a word.  I have to assume that you had a seizure and hit the keyboard with your face.  That’s how far from a word “interappect” is.

I could continue on with sentence structure, but let’s just leave it at this: You need to hire someone to draft your emails.  Pay them in chickens or something.

Lessons to be learned: Even government agents speak better English than you.

Your total score: 0

What can I say?  You took something as beautiful as the 419 scam and then you stomped it flat into the ground.  You managed to fuck up every aspect of the scam.  What in the hell were you going to do when it came time to actually speak to the victim?  Were you going to try to use “interappect” in a sentence? If you speak English as poorly as you write it, you couldn’t get a prospective victim to believe you were an illegal immigrant, much less an American. To phrase it in a way that you might understand better, three spam/scam filters didn’t think your email was a scam.  That might seem like a good thing at first glance, but it wasn’t because of your clever crafting.  It was because your writing structure is completely incoherent.

It almost would have been worth it to play along with this just to hear you attempt to emulate a CIA agent on the phone.  That would have been fucking funny.

Good luck on your future endeavors and I look forward to your next email.

thanks,
json