E-Dribble

You guys remember Lt. Angela Stalwart of the U.S. Army?  The hot gun toting babe that wanted to give me an undisclosed sum of money?  Yeah, well now her name’s Graig(who in the hell spells their name like that?) and it’s 18 mil at stake this time:

From: Maj. Graig Mathews<graig.mathews@btinternet.com>
Reply-To: Maj. Graig Mathews<maj.graig.mathews@googlemail.com>
Subj: From Maj. Graig Mathews

Good day and compliments of the season, I know this letter will definitely come to you as a huge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine my future and continued existence.

I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of Eighteen Million US Dollars ($18Million) to the States or any safe country, as far as I can be assured that it will be safe in your care until I complete my service here.
I am Maj. General Graig Mathews, a US Marine; Major General serving in the 3rd Battalion, 25th Marine Regiment that Patrols the Anbar province, Iraq. I am desperately in need of assistance and I have summoned up courage to contact you.

This is no stolen money and there are no dangers involved.

SOURCE OF MONEY:
Some money in various currencies was discovered and concealed in barrels with piles of weapons and ammunition at a location near one of Saddam Hussein’s old Presidential Palaces during a rescue operation and it was agreed by all party present that the money be shared amongst us.

Click this link: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm

This might appear as an illegal thing to do but I tell you what?

No compensation can make up for the risks we have taken with our lives in this hellhole.
The above figure was given to me as my share and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a British contact working with the UN here (his office enjoys some immunity)

I was able to get the package out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. He does not know the real contents of the package as he believes that it belongs to an American who died in an air raid, who before giving up trusted me to hand over the package to his close relative. I have now found a secured way of getting the package out of Iraq for you to pick up. I do not know for how long I will remain here, as I have been lucky to survive 2 suicide bomb attacks by Pure Divine intervention.

This and other reasons put into consideration have prompted me to reach out for help. If it might be of interest to you then Endeavor to contact me and we would work out the necessary formalities but I pray that you are discreet about this mutually benefiting relationship. For the private nature of this reply me on this maj.graig.mathews@googlemail.com

Respectfully,
Maj. General Graig Mathews:
United States Marine Corps. IRAQ

Maj. General Mathews is so stupid that even Marines are thinking “Damn, he’s stupid.”….  right before they miss their mouth and accidentally stab themselves in the eye with their MRE spork. Nonetheless, I felt obligated to help him out.

Well, hello there sir!   You’re absolutely right, it’s quite a shock to receive an unsolicited email concerning millions of dollars from someone that can’t even tell me my name.  I want your money… I mean, I want to help you keep your money,  but I don’t know if you’re really the person that should be dealing with sums of money this large.  I mean, you’re either mistaken in your rank(your email address has you as a Major(O-4) or you are indeed a Major General(O-8), the third highest pay grade in all of my beloved Marine Corps, yet you’re attached to a Battalion, a post that would be reserved for a Major(O-4) or even lower. If you are indeed a Major General, then you’re either related to the Commandant of the Marine Corps or you’re blowing him, because anyone that’s an O-8 and working at the battalion level would have been shitcanned by now because he’s incompetent or retarded…. or both.  Well, that or he’s in the Navy.

Initially, I thought it would be very tough to handle a sum of cash this large, but as I pondered your level of competence, I began wondering if I was over-thinking the situation.  Maybe we’re not dealing with that large of a sum. I have to keep in mind that you’re either not smart enough to know what rank you are, or you’re a MajGen that can’t be trusted to be in charge of anything more important than sandbags.  Someone as stupid as you might have simply lost count amidst all the zeros.  Could you please have your British contact count the number of circles behind the one and eight and get back to me?  Be sure to tell him that if there’s a dot, to quit counting.

I’ll await your response.   If we’re truly dealing with eighteen million dollars, I’m going to suggest that we have your British contact kill then gut you, stuff you full of the loot and then ship your corpse to me for a “proper burial”. If we’re dealing with 180 dollars, then I’ll just have you write me a check and drop it in the mail. I eagerly await your response.

Ooh Rah!
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Cpl. USMC(Retired)