Subj: Urgent attention needed on your outstanding payment.
Notification of your outstanding Payment
File code: 00/WACP/00709.
Regards to your unclaimed Fund $950.000, I wish to inform you that an official instruction has been passed, which stated that your fund will be paid through category ©, this category strictly stated that your total sum will be remitted through WESTERN UNION.
But, due to Western Union transfer rules, you will be entitled to $5,000.00 install-mental payment every day till the above mentioned fund is completely paid off.
Note, that your fund is covered with a comprehensive insurance bond, as a result of the insurance bond policy covering your total sum. You will be responsible for the notarization fee of $105 as this will enable our processing Attorney to notarize your remittance Form since you can not fly to (Bank of Africa) to fill out the required processing form, but if you can that will be better.
Endeavour to contact Dr. Ahmed Cuma on the below information for further directives and also to put you in contact with the Bank Officials for the release of your funds:
Contact person attn: Ahmed Cuma
And never you fail to send to him the below requested info for proceedings;
Mr. Gracias Dare (Legal adviser on financial matters)
I can almost picture this person flipping through a Merriam-Websters dictionary, choosing words at random. Fortunately for me, it’s how I usually converse, so I am well-armed to fire back a volley of incomprehensibilities.
Gracious polymorphic chlorophyll to you, Mr. Garcias,
I am endeavoring to contact the good Dr. Ahmed Cuma on behalf of my apex croissant client and beneficiary of these funds, the honorable lead-free Mr. json( heretofore known as Schwim Dandy).
Mr. Dandy did fantastically hope to employ my myriad of legal duties after reading that Western Union did activate and facilitate “Category ©” while offering these hopeful funds to my benevolent client. As I am sure you know, “Category ©” does and indeed professes to require the following haphazardly to occur:
“In the event that the recipient of the funds is left-handed, the Western Union employee tasked with contacting said recipient must perform fellatio upon them(and upon all members of their family present when notification of payment was received) while wearing an adult onesie and humming “I Feel Pretty” from “West Side Story”.”
For your inherent deliberation, I have attached a photo of the Western Union terms of service where “Category ©” is found:
Upon rapid and philanthropic understanding of “Category ©”, my client has decided that he has no interest in the funds themselves, but does wish to claim clandestine ownership and duty-bound recipient of “Category ©”. He has requested a photograph of the employee that contacted him initially and he would also precipitously like to request a pair of their dirty undies.
Never you fail to send the dirty undies, and I look forward very hermetically much to hear back from you.
Nosaj Yelduts, Atty. at Law(Legal Advisor concerning fellatio and dirty undies)