E-Dribble

And so it begins…

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: Donald Swiger

YOU

iam the diplomat with your consignment,iam in new york call me on 716 810 4314

Ooh, a consignment! Does it make a noise when you shake it?

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: Donald Swiger

Donald,

It seems that I’ve lost my cell phone whilst artificially inseminating a cow.  Is there any chance that we can deal with my consignment via email?

thanks,
ME

I found the phone, but I’m sure as hell not going to use it now.

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

i have cleared the consignment ,i have to proceed to ur address.it will cost $850 to transport your  consignment to you,waiting for your response urgently

Address.it, huh? Well, I’ll see your TLD and raise you a couple of my own.

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

Donald,

If I understand you correctly and you have proceeded to my address.it, can’t you just simply ring my doorbell.gr and hand me the consignment once I open the door.us?  I only ask because I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get the $850 to you.

Please respond quickly as I had saved this money to pay for my mother’s much needed life-saving heart surgery, and I’m afraid that if I don’t hear from you soon, I’ll choose the surgery and miss out on what I can only assume is a fantastic specimen of a consignment.

Hoping to hear from you soon,
ME

Hurry Don. Mom’s looking a little gray.

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

THE $850 REQUIRED IS TO TRANSPORT YOUR CONSIGNMENT TO YOU.I WILL PROCEED BACK IF YOU DID NOT COMPLY

Oh shit, it’s caps. The Don’s getting pissed.

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

I SEE THAT WE HAVE NOW PROGRESSED TO USING ONLY CAPITAL LETTERS IN OUR EMAIL CORRESPONDENCE.  UNTIL INSTRUCTED TO DO OTHERWISE BY YOU, I WILL DRAFT MY MESSAGES WITH NO LOWER CASE LETTERS, SO AS NOT TO ANGER YOU ANY FURTHER.

AS STATED IN MY PREVIOUS EMAIL, I UNDERSTAND THAT I NEED TO GIVE YOU $850.  I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET IT TO YOU.  I HAVE A FRIEND THAT RAISES CARRIER PIGEONS, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT IT CAN CARRY THAT MANY SINGLES(MY SAVINGS ARE GENERATED FROM MY OCCUPATION AS A MALE STRIPPER AT A LOCAL REST HOME, HENCE THE SMALL DENOMINATION OF THE BILLS.  THAT IS, OF COURSE, THE ONLY THING THAT’S SMALL, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT(WINK, WINK)).  IF YOU WILL SIMPLY INSTRUCT ME ON HOW TO PAY YOU, WE CAN BE DONE WITH THIS BUSINESS, AND YOU CAN TRAVEL BACK TO YOUR HOMELAND, WHERE I’M SURE YOU’RE WELL RESPECTED AND EVEN FEARED.

I HAVE ALREADY TOLD MY MOM THAT I LOST MY MONEY IN A COCK-FIGHTING MATCH.  I FIGURED IT’S BEST THAT I COME UP WITH A COVER STORY IN CASE I’M ABLE TO WORK SOMETHING OUT WITH YOU AND SHE HAS TO DIE.

I EAGERLY AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE,
me

The cockfighting thing wasn’t really a lie. I made some money at it though but I’m not going to tell Don that. He’ll hike up the price.

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

i have cleared the consignment ,i have to proceed to ur address.it will cost $850 to transport your  consignment to you,waiting for your response urgently.send $850 to approve the delivery ticket to the head qrauter in Atlanta G via western union to mrs RITA WALTER,they will send the ticket to me in new york

Urgent is my middle name, Don.

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE DELAY IN RESPONDING.  WHILE ON THE WAY TO THE WESTERN UNION, I HIT A HOOKER CROSSING THE STREET AND TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, IT KILLED HER, SO I HAD TO FIND A PLACE TO BURY THE BODY AND IT’S VERY TOUGH TO FIND SOFT SOIL AS MOST OF IT AROUND HERE IS THAT TENACIOUS CLAY THAT YOU SIMPLY CAN’T DIG INTO.  I ENDED UP FINDING SOME DIRT I COULD WORK WITH IN A GARDEN IN FRONT OF A HOUSE IN TOWN, SO EVERYTHING WORKED OUT VERY WELL.  FOR ME, I MEAN.  NOT SO MUCH FOR THE HOOKER.

BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND, I MANAGED TO GET TO THE WESTERN UNION AND SENT THE FUNDS($849) TO RITA WALTER IN ATLANTIC CITY, NJ, AS REQUESTED.

BE SAFE WHILE TRAVELING. AND DON’T WEAR DARK CLOTHING AT NIGHT. OR FISHNETS.
me

It seems that this is where I lost Don. Although he was ok with cellphones lodged in cow’s vaginas, killing off my mother and being a stripper at a rest home, killing off the hooker and burying her in someone’s garden seems to have been my undoing.

Kudos to you Don, for being observant and knowing when I wasn’t what I appeared to be.