Subj: Husaburg.com domain…
We noticed that you currently own husaberg.org (correct?). Our suggested strong keyword domain husaburg.com should help in driving organic traffic, not to mention improve SEO and solidify your branding.
We are charging a one time fee of just $199. Let us know if you would like to proceed and acquire this domain, for we are starting to reach out to other online businesses today within your same space with this same opportunity.
Lauren Von, CSO
“We discreetly assist our clients in acquiring premium domains.”
P.O. Box 3662467
Dallas, TX 75207
Subj: RE: Husaburg.com domain…
Hi there Lauren,
I can’t thank you enough for attempting to discreetly assist me in registering a premium, albeit misspelled domain. I just couldn’t help but point out one small issue with your offer.
If I purchase this domain from you, I will pay $199.00. If however, I simply visit GoDaddy… well, here. I’ll let you see for yourself:
So, I can buy the domain from you or I can buy the domain for $11.99 elsewhere. This is one of those times when maybe you didn’t fully think this plan through in it’s entirety. Normally, to successfully run a domain hostage service, you have to actually be holding the domain hostage. Simply misspelling domains and offering to buy them for people can’t possibly have that great or a return.
On the off chance, however, there are people stupid enough to fall for this, I can’t help but notice that you own the inbrokerage.com domain and would like to offer you a chance to purchase theresasmallchesspiecelodgedinmyrectum.com to help improve your SEO and solidify your branding. Please contact me if you would like me to purchase this domain for you and then turn around and mark it up 3000% but be sure to hurry because I am also offering this domain to other businesses that also work within your area of expertise.
“I spend my free time pointing out the fucking ridiculous and making fun of asshats.”
From: Laura Matthews <email@example.com>
To: Schwim Dandy
Subject: let us work together
My name is Laura Matthews and I would really love to tell you how husaberg.org
can rank even better in Google.
I’m a SEO expert working at SEO Persona and while doing
a research for some of my colleagues I found your email address and
decided to contact you immediately.
If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional information
and all the details needed to make it happen.
Thanks a lot,
Subject: RE: let us work together
Hi there Laura,
I went ahead and searched “seo persona” for your site and just wanted to point out that my site ranks higher in the organic results for it’s primary search phrase(husaberg, third position) than your site does when searching your name(seo persona, 6th position), which got me to thinking…
If you are interested, I would love to tell you how seopersona.net can rank even better in Google.
I’m obviously even more of an SEO expert than you are and if you’re interested, I’d be happy to send you all the details needed to make this happen.
From: angelakadhy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subj: HEAR ME OUT PLEASE (URGENT REPLY)
I am Sister mrs Angela Kadhy from Bahrain. I am married to Dr. Phillip Kadhy who worked with Bahrain embassy in cote d’ivoire for nine years before he died in the year 2007. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.
When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (5.5 Million
U.S.Dollars) with A BANK in cote d’ ivoire. Presently, this money is still with the BANK. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke, Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to church or better still a christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church that will use this to fund churches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained.
The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers.
I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bossom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.
I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the BANK in ivory coast.
I will also issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as the original- beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.
Who ever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth.Please always be prayerful all through your life. any delay in your reply will give me a room in searching for a church or christian individual for this same purpose.
Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated here and i want you to fast and pray for God to take asbsolute controll of this fund untill it get to you.
Hoping to hear from you soon.
From Mrs Angela Kadhy
If anyone can overlook Sister Mrs., it’s me.
(P.S. Bonus points to me for the Weird Al lyric)
Monktastic greetings to you, Mrs. sister!
I feel as if the hand of God led your fingers as you wrote this email to me. My name is Father Shamus Dandy, of the Holy Order of Pointy Hats. I, along with my 11 wives, live and preach out of Apple Valley, Utah. I am the pious guy the little the little Amalettes want to be like. You can can trust that Gods work will be done through me with your funding.
I assure you that I will act according to your wishes. I have also ordered my wives to stop eating for the duration of this transaction to ensure that God doesn’t get angry and light the money on fire while it’s in transit, as you seem worried might happen. I guess because your God is an angry God.
Please let me know what I need to do to begin Gods work with your money.
May the baby Jesus’ light shine upon you until you’re dead,
Let’s get busy! (Click below to read the rest of the conversation)
From: Christopher Catchpole <email@example.com>
Subj: FROM Christopher Catchpole
FROM Christopher Catchpole
I am Mr. Christopher Catchpole, I am contacting you concerning
a deceased customer and an investment he placed under our banks management
Seven years ago. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of
this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by
as a result of this mail.I am contacting you independently of our investigation
and no one is informed of this communication. I would like to intimate you with
certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. In the year 2002, the
subject matter; came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our
private banking division. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of
Fifteen Million Dollars, which he wished to have us turn over (invest) on his
I was the officer assigned to his case; I made numerous suggestions in line with
my duties as the de-facto chief operations officer of the private banking sector
then, especially given the volume of funds he wished to put into our bank. We
met on numerous occasions prior to any investments being placed. I encouraged
him to consider various growth funds with prime ratings. In mid 2004, he asked
that the money be liquidated because he needed to make an urgent investment
requiring cash payments in Helsinki- Finland. He directed that I liquidate the
funds and deposit it with a security firm. I informed him that my Bank would
have to make special arrangements to have this done and in order not to
circumvent due process. Cash movement across boarders has become especially
strict since the incidents of 9/11. I contacted my affiliate and made the funds
available to the security firm.
Due to the absolutely absurd length of his email, Click below to read the rest of the conversation:
A few months ago, a gentleman named Donald D. Swiger regaled me with tales of consignments and top level domains. Unfortunately we never met up. Although saddened that I’d never know what my consignment consisted of, I was glad that the stress was off. I’d killed a hooker and my mother and to be honest, I knew I’d kill again if need be.
I had nothing to fear, however. Now the big-wigs were in charge and things were going to happen fast.
From: Kieran Dutch <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subj: Santander Bank
ATTN HON BENIFICARY.
THE DIPLOMAT DONALD SWIGER WENT BACK TO UK WITH YOUR CONSIGNMENT,I ISSUED HIM THE DOCUMENTS TO DEPOSIT THE CONSIGNMENT WITH Santander Bank. CONTACT THE BANK TO FINALIZE TRANSFER OR DRAFT ISSUED TO YOU.THE DEPOSIT CODE IS 77223 ALSO INFORM ME OF ANY REQUIREMENT SO WE CAN FINALIZE.THE BANK INFO IS BELOW CONTACT THE BANK
(Int’l Remittance Department)
130 Market Street Piccadilly Gardens
Manchester,Lancashire M60 1AY,
Contact Person In Charge of Funds:Mr. Andrew Savage
Subj: Santander Bank
Mr. Swiger totally screwed me out of my consignment. I allowed my mother to die and accidentally ran over a hooker all because of him.
Now I really need that money as they want $5,000.00 just to bury my mom. I’ve been holding off on the burial in case Donald got back in touch with me, but to be completely frank, she’s beginning to stink. It’s not pleasant being in the same house with her.
Go ahead and shoot me the money, if you would. My super-secure PIN is 77223.
Due to the length, click below to read the rest of the conversation.
From: KadrlikPetrarca, Katherine Naomi <email@example.com>
Subj: (No Subject)
Are You Desperately in need of a loan help? or do you have bad credit contact us via: :firstname.lastname@example.org with Amount needed and Loan Duration.
Why, as a mater of fact, Kadrilik-Katherine-Danny Petrarca-Naomi-White, I am desperately in need of a loan!
I’m in the process of creating the world’s largest alpaca farm. I am raising them, then killing and stuffing them for use on those cute quarter rides that you find at the grocery store. I’ve raised them and killed them but now need the funds to hire a taxidermist to handle the stuffing portion of my plan. I can’t find a taxidermist locally that can handle the large number of stuffings that I have, but I did find a used car salesman two towns over willing to handle the job. He wants $125.00 per alpaca, $215.00 if I go for the optional protective undercoat.
I currently have 18,941 dead alpacas stored in the second floor of my house. By my math, that means I’m going to need a loan of $4,072,315.00. The gentleman explained that I can’t really afford to go without the undercoat as some of the alpacas will be installed in grocery stores located in extreme cold climates, where corrosive anti-freezing measures are used in the parking lots.
I plan on this taking off very quickly, therefore being able to pay you back in very short order. Without trying to seem overly optimistic about how long this will take, I would set the duration of the loan for 45 minutes.
I very much look forward to your reply, as it’s begun to smell very badly in my house.
From: SGT Steven D. Spencer <email@example.com>
Subj: [Ann] Letter from a U.S. Marine- 3/26/2011
I am SGT Steven D. Spencer, a US Marine Sergeant serving in the 3rd Battalion, 25th Marine Regiment that Patrols the Anbar Province,Iraq. I am desperately in need of assistance and have summoned up courage to contact you. I am presently in Iraq and I got your contact particulars from a data mining company based back home in the states.
Your assistance is needed to evacuate the sum of $18 million (eighteen Million U.S Dollars) to a safe country; as far as I can be assured that it will be safe in your care until my service completion on 11th September, 2011.
Your help requires a private arrangement and with the help of a British contact working with the UN here (his office enjoys some immunity),you will receive these funds and invest them on our behalf. I am willing to part with generous management fees as well as show my utmost appreciation for fewer questions asked. I have waited for 7 years to allow the dust to settle and its clear no one is raising any issues on this.
A gentle reminder as the story was on BBC World News(link below):
I look forward to getting a straight answer from you in order to let us work out the modalities involved. This fund is currently located in Iraq and awaits your urgent response. Please reply to my personal email address contained in my signature below.
SGT Steven D. Spencer
United States Marine Corps.
Holy shit, it’s a real-live Marine!
Ooh rah, my motherfucking devil dog! How the hell are you?
My name is PVT. Schwim Dandy of Weapons Co. 2/2 and a life-long jar head. Why only a private? Because I’m a hard-charging, motherfucking Marine and I love to party, that’s why. That and I crashed the base commander’s humvee into the PX…..while he was in the back.
Fuck that shit though. Let’s make us some money! I don’t think we should deal with your British contact. Number one, he’s British. Number 2, he’s not American. I’ve got some ideas of my own about how we can get this money back to the states:
1) Kill some fucking ragheads, hollow their corpses with an ice-cream scoop, fill their skins with money and use them as carry-on luggage on the flight back to the states.
2) I will fly over and eat the motherfucking money. When we get back, I will shit you out exact change.
3) You fold all the bills into paper airplanes and throw them towards the U.S. I’m not an aerospace engineer, but surely some of that shit will make it across. I’ll hang out at the beach waiting for when they do.
Of course, you may have a better idea, but seeing as how you’re a Marine, I doubt it. We’re bred to kill, not to think! You might want to ask a corpsman though, they seem too smart for their own good.
A couple that didn’t really go anywhere.
From: elisabeth <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subj: hi there
I saw your profile on facebook and decided to write you
Let me know if you do not mind. If you want I can send you some pictures of me.
I am a nice pretty girl, email me directly at email@example.com
Quite the feat Elisabeth, seeing as how I don’t have a facebook profile.
I think it’s a fantastic idea that you send me some pictures of yourself! I would especially love it if you sent one of you kissing a porpoise. That would be just too cute! If you can’t do that, then one of you fighting a ninja would suffice.
I got this from a person that’s either proud of being able to abbreviate or has so many people that they want to insult, time constraints don’t allow for verbosity:
From: Bell, Lisabeth
Subj: Your personals profile
Good day How are you currently doing? I enjoy most of your page.
Want to check out my exclusive photos?
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and i am going to answer back with my private photographs.
I wasn’t going to write this one back, but to be completely honest, I’m as proud of my boobs as she is of hers.
I can’t thank you enough for showing me parts of your boobs. I find them entrancing and thought it was only fair that I return the favor.
And so it begins…
From: Swiger Donald <email@example.com>
Subj: Donald Swiger
iam the diplomat with your consignment,iam in new york call me on 716 810 4314
Ooh, a consignment! Does it make a noise when you shake it?
To: Swiger Donald <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subj: RE: Donald Swiger
It seems that I’ve lost my cell phone whilst artificially inseminating a cow. Is there any chance that we can deal with my consignment via email?
I found the phone, but I’m sure as hell not going to use it now.
From: Swiger Donald <email@example.com>
Subj: RE: RE: Donald Swiger
i have cleared the consignment ,i have to proceed to ur address.it will cost $850 to transport your consignment to you,waiting for your response urgently
Address.it, huh? Well, I’ll see your TLD and raise you a couple of my own.