E-Dribble

One hundred and twenty three.

That’s how many condoms full of nose candy they found in a Nigerian’s stomach during the routine “Hey, your a Nigerian so we need to x-ray you” process at a border crossing. The amount of cocaine equaled almost 2 kilos.

I think it’s fantastic that the Nigerians are branching out and trying new things.  As an added bonus, on the rare occasion that a condom bursts, we will get some fantastic Youtube footage of people trying to fly and chewing their fingers off.

It’s a win/win.

While all the reputable news outlets were busy telling you how fantastic the iPad is, I felt as if I was doing my reader(yeah, I’m down to one, unfortunately) a grave disservice by not doing my part to explain to the world what made the iPad so great.

Then I found out I didn’t have to, since Peewee Herman has already done it for me.

If you absolutely, positively must commit a crime that is likely to gain enough notoriety to require a sketch artist to capture your likeness in order to share with the area, then you should consider making Bolivia the home base for your crime spree.

Add some glasses and part the hair a little differently and I think I may have found the culprit:

I noticed in my refers today something that made me smile:

Notice the one at the bottom.  I looked back in the last year and  five other people searched for “how to commit arson without getting caught” Doing a traceroute on all six IPs shows that proxies were not used during the search.

Here’s a pro-tip for all six of you.  If you think it’s a good idea to search the web for this without using some kind of blind proxy, then you are not the type of person that will succeed at this particular endeavor.  Think about hiring a professional.

Don’t know where to find one?  Just Google it.

Edit: This is better than I ever could have imagined.  Since posting this, 11 more mental midgets have visited to find out how to torch something without becoming the latest sausage recipient at the local prison.

Thanks for the smiles.

The fact that the author thought instructions on how to fall 35,000 feet and live was a feasible how-to article is kind of funny.  It pales in comparison however, to this little tid-bit of info buried inside:

Then, if a feet-first entry is inevitable, the most important piece of advice, for reasons both unmentionable and easily understood, is to clench your butt.

Mental note:  The next time I’m thrust out of a commercial airliner at cruising altitude, I absolutely must remember to put my reading material aside, pull my earphones and clench my asshole tightly at the end of the fall.

It wouldn’t be so funny if it didn’t sound like a plausible song by a death metal group.

The Sonim phone, advertised as unbreakable, was at the latest CES.  Unfortunately for them, a BBC reporter broke it on video accidentally within 30 seconds of it being handed to him.

I imagine the CEO was living one of those “naked in the classroom” nightmares while waiting for them to turn off the camera.

Having moved years ago to an area rich with rednecks, I’ve had plenty of time to grow used to most of the odd regional customs. Some of them are even quite amusing(for instance, you can say anything about anyone as long as you append “God bless them” at the end; i.e. “That boy’s one stupid son of a bitch, God bless him.”).  Others make you glad that you managed to climb further up the evolution ladder than the spot they are occupying (“I once overheard a man at a building supply store state “I’m going to go crazy if I don’t get out in the woods and kill something soon.”).

Some local customs still leave me wondering what in the Hell drives these people though.  Case in point: Sharing the death of people close to you with whoever happens to be in the car behind yours.  With the recent leaps in vinyl cutting technology, anyone can make stickers for their car now.  This is great for those of us that would like to advertise our business.   It’s not so great, however, if you spend a lot of your time in the south behind cars of people who have had a loved one die.  I can appreciate that you mourn the loss of Bubba.  This however doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have a fucking clue who he is. If I did know who he was, I wouldn’t need a vinyl tombstone on the car in front of me to trigger the mourning process. It’s almost like that game people play on forums; “ban the person above your post”, but with a lot less of a happy-factor.  “Share the death of a person with the car behind you.”

(continue reading…)

I thought we found the perfect use for Twitter when the incredible shock troop that is the Iranian Cyber Army took over Twitter’s home page to post notice of said takeover(Side note: if you’d like to contact the Iranian cyber army, they would love to hear from you.  They posted their GMail address on the takeover splash page, the social butterflies.).

(continue reading…)

CNN is afraid that the US will no longer be considered a technological powerhouse.  They fear this because the US filed less patents this year than in any of the previous 13 years. If you’re not so slow that you count on the likes of CNN to influence ANY aspect of your life, you should find it cute that the mature grown-ups that make the news(remember now, they’re not reporting it, they’re making this shit up) consider our innovation as a country to be dependent upon how many patents we file.

Honestly, who isn’t smart enough to realize that we as a country stopped being a technological innovator a very long time ago?  We’re globally ridiculed for the sheer volume of bullshit patents we generate and for the fact that we use almost all of them to siphon money from the real innovators that inadvertently tread upon one of the millions of overlapping patents that we have filed simply for this reason.  We’re a country of opportunistic trolls.

Or maybe I’m just being to tough on our genius innovators.