From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: Donald Swiger

YOU

iam the diplomat with your consignment,iam in new york call me on 716 810 4314

Ooh, a consignment! Does it make a noise when you shake it?

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: Donald Swiger

Donald,

It seems that I’ve lost my cell phone whilst artificially inseminating a cow.  Is there any chance that we can deal with my consignment via email?

thanks,
ME

I found the phone, but I’m sure as hell not going to use it now.

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

i have cleared the consignment ,i have to proceed to ur address.it will cost $850 to transport your  consignment to you,waiting for your response urgently

Address.it, huh? Well, I’ll see your TLD and raise you a couple of my own.

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

Donald,

If I understand you correctly and you have proceeded to my address.it, can’t you just simply ring my doorbell.gr and hand me the consignment once I open the door.us?  I only ask because I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get the $850 to you.

Please respond quickly as I had saved this money to pay for my mother’s much needed life-saving heart surgery, and I’m afraid that if I don’t hear from you soon, I’ll choose the surgery and miss out on what I can only assume is a fantastic specimen of a consignment.

Hoping to hear from you soon,
ME

Hurry Don. Mom’s looking a little gray.

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

THE $850 REQUIRED IS TO TRANSPORT YOUR CONSIGNMENT TO YOU.I WILL PROCEED BACK IF YOU DID NOT COMPLY

Oh shit, it’s caps. The Don’s getting pissed.

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

I SEE THAT WE HAVE NOW PROGRESSED TO USING ONLY CAPITAL LETTERS IN OUR EMAIL CORRESPONDENCE.  UNTIL INSTRUCTED TO DO OTHERWISE BY YOU, I WILL DRAFT MY MESSAGES WITH NO LOWER CASE LETTERS, SO AS NOT TO ANGER YOU ANY FURTHER.

AS STATED IN MY PREVIOUS EMAIL, I UNDERSTAND THAT I NEED TO GIVE YOU $850.  I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET IT TO YOU.  I HAVE A FRIEND THAT RAISES CARRIER PIGEONS, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT IT CAN CARRY THAT MANY SINGLES(MY SAVINGS ARE GENERATED FROM MY OCCUPATION AS A MALE STRIPPER AT A LOCAL REST HOME, HENCE THE SMALL DENOMINATION OF THE BILLS.  THAT IS, OF COURSE, THE ONLY THING THAT’S SMALL, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT(WINK, WINK)).  IF YOU WILL SIMPLY INSTRUCT ME ON HOW TO PAY YOU, WE CAN BE DONE WITH THIS BUSINESS, AND YOU CAN TRAVEL BACK TO YOUR HOMELAND, WHERE I’M SURE YOU’RE WELL RESPECTED AND EVEN FEARED.

I HAVE ALREADY TOLD MY MOM THAT I LOST MY MONEY IN A COCK-FIGHTING MATCH.  I FIGURED IT’S BEST THAT I COME UP WITH A COVER STORY IN CASE I’M ABLE TO WORK SOMETHING OUT WITH YOU AND SHE HAS TO DIE.

I EAGERLY AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE,
me

The cockfighting thing wasn’t really a lie. I made some money at it though but I’m not going to tell Don that. He’ll hike up the price.

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

i have cleared the consignment ,i have to proceed to ur address.it will cost $850 to transport your  consignment to you,waiting for your response urgently.send $850 to approve the delivery ticket to the head qrauter in Atlanta G via western union to mrs RITA WALTER,they will send the ticket to me in new york

Urgent is my middle name, Don.

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE DELAY IN RESPONDING.  WHILE ON THE WAY TO THE WESTERN UNION, I HIT A HOOKER CROSSING THE STREET AND TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, IT KILLED HER, SO I HAD TO FIND A PLACE TO BURY THE BODY AND IT’S VERY TOUGH TO FIND SOFT SOIL AS MOST OF IT AROUND HERE IS THAT TENACIOUS CLAY THAT YOU SIMPLY CAN’T DIG INTO.  I ENDED UP FINDING SOME DIRT I COULD WORK WITH IN A GARDEN IN FRONT OF A HOUSE IN TOWN, SO EVERYTHING WORKED OUT VERY WELL.  FOR ME, I MEAN.  NOT SO MUCH FOR THE HOOKER.

BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND, I MANAGED TO GET TO THE WESTERN UNION AND SENT THE FUNDS($849) TO RITA WALTER IN ATLANTIC CITY, NJ, AS REQUESTED.

BE SAFE WHILE TRAVELING. AND DON’T WEAR DARK CLOTHING AT NIGHT. OR FISHNETS.
me

It seems that this is where I lost Don. Although he was ok with cellphones lodged in cow’s vaginas, killing off my mother and being a stripper at a rest home, killing off the hooker and burying her in someone’s garden seems to have been my undoing.

Kudos to you Don, for being observant and knowing when I wasn’t what I appeared to be.

What a bunch of maroons.  Everybody knows there’s three b’s in unbbbivesity.

Dear Mr. Toyoda & Co.

Oh Wow, I can’t believe I’ve won!  And to think that it never would have happened to me if I hadn’t visited various websites! I bet those people that have only visited particular websites are feeling pretty foolish right about now.

I think what you’re doing is pretty ingenious.  Giving a small handful of people money while never letting anyone else know of your good deeds is sure to sway the global population’s perception of your brand.  Yesterday, you were a bunch of fucktards that couldn’t design a car and today, you are automotive geniuses, and it’s all because you’re giving me money.  If you look at it this way, I am a pivotal part of your brand re-imaging, and may be entitled to some additional funds, which we can discuss at a later time.

If only Ford had thought of this after designing a car that turned it’s passengers into smoked sausages in the event of a rear-end collision.  Instead, they simply issued a recall and tried to resolve the issue…. morons.  On a side note, I always thought that if they had filled the car’s gas tanks with bar-b-que sauce during the recall process and the customer had an accident afterward, they would have resolved the issue AND the driver would have witnessed Ford’s ability to laugh at themselves a little.

(What a Ford Pinto driver might look like.)

I look forward to the money and am happy to do what I can to put the Toyota brand back where it belongs… AT THE TOP!

thanks,
json

From: Gracias Dare<gracias_dare@kaijinji.com>
Reply-To: ahmed.cuma@w.cn

Subj: Urgent attention needed on your outstanding payment.

Notification of your outstanding Payment
File code: 00/WACP/00709.

Attention: Beneficiary,

Regards to your unclaimed Fund $950.000, I wish to inform you that an official instruction has been passed, which stated that your fund will be paid through category ©, this category strictly stated that your total sum will be remitted through WESTERN UNION.

But, due to Western Union transfer rules, you will be entitled to $5,000.00 install-mental payment every day till the above mentioned fund is completely paid off.

Note, that your fund is covered with a comprehensive insurance bond, as a result of the insurance bond policy covering your total sum. You will be responsible for the notarization fee of $105 as this will enable our processing Attorney to notarize your remittance Form since you can not fly to (Bank of Africa) to fill out the required processing form, but if you can that will be better.

Endeavour to contact Dr. Ahmed Cuma on the below information for further directives and also to put you in contact with the Bank Officials for the release of your funds:

Contact person attn: Ahmed Cuma
E-mail: ahmed_cuma@w.cn

And never you fail to send to him the below requested info for proceedings;

Full Name:
Address:
Country:
City:
Tel:

Best Regards,
Mr. Gracias Dare (Legal adviser on financial matters)

I can almost picture this person flipping through a Merriam-Websters dictionary, choosing words at random.  Fortunately for me, it’s how I usually converse, so I am well-armed to fire back a volley of incomprehensibilities.

Gracious polymorphic chlorophyll to you, Mr. Garcias,

I am endeavoring to contact the good Dr. Ahmed Cuma on behalf of my apex croissant client and beneficiary of these funds, the honorable lead-free Mr. json( heretofore known as Schwim Dandy).

Mr. Dandy did fantastically hope to employ my myriad of legal duties after reading that Western Union did activate and facilitate “Category ©” while offering these hopeful funds to my benevolent client.  As I am sure you know, “Category ©” does and indeed professes to require the following haphazardly to occur:

“In the event that the recipient of the funds is left-handed, the Western Union employee tasked with contacting said recipient must perform fellatio upon them(and upon all members of their family present when notification of payment was received) while wearing an adult onesie and humming “I Feel Pretty” from “West Side Story”.”

For your inherent deliberation, I have attached a photo of the Western Union terms of service where “Category ©” is found:

Upon rapid and philanthropic understanding of “Category ©”, my client has decided that he has no interest in the funds themselves, but does wish to claim clandestine ownership and duty-bound recipient of “Category ©”.  He has requested a photograph of the employee that contacted him initially and he would also precipitously like to request a pair of their dirty undies.

Never you fail to send the dirty undies, and I look forward very hermetically much to hear back from you.

Signed,

Nosaj Yelduts, Atty. at Law(Legal Advisor concerning fellatio and dirty undies)

From: Jennie Parker <Jennie.Parker@uwe.ac.uk>
Reply-To: tntcourierxpressservice02@gmail.com

Subj: From Mr. West Oduduwa!

You have been selected for a confirmable Bank Draft of $950,000.00 USD, which await the outstanding payment of $150USD.Contact the TNT Courier Express Company for claims with your information. Contact person Mr. West Oduduwa,Tel;+2347033325490 Email:tntcourierxpressservice02@gmail.com

Damn it, bitches!  stop bouncing my carriage about!  I’m trying to draft an email!

Hello Mr. Oduduwapduwapshebop,

Wow! This is the second bank draft I’ll have been made owner of in the last month!  Although I’m still living quite the lavish lifestyle from the last deposit made to my bank account, I would very much be interested in receiving these funds as well, since I’m a greedy and stupid American.  I’m currently traveling the Midwest U.S. via a concubine-carried carriage and my cell phone lost it’s charge over a week ago, so we will have to handle this situation via email and the U.S. postal service.

From your contact, it seems that I owe you $150.00, which I would like to take care of.  Please withdraw $150 from my bank account to pay the fee.  In fact, withdraw an extra $10.00 and treat yourself to a cappuccino.

thanks,
json

From: Rosemary Olds <zamamartins7@gmail.com>

Subj: Your response is needed

Attn:

This might be a surprise to you about where I got your contact address. But all the same, I believe we do not need to be of blood relatives before we can establish Cordial relationship.

My name is Mrs. zama Olds Martin, the wife of late Mr. Martin Olds Martin, of Masingo Province of Zimbabwe. During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the supports of our President Robert Mugabe, to claim all the white-owned farms to his party members and his followers, he ordered all white farmers to surrender all their farms and Lands to his party members and his followers.

My husband is one of the richest farmers in our country and because he did not support President Mugabe’s ideas.His supporters invaded my husband’s farms and lands and burnt everything in the farms, killing my husband and made away with a lot of items.For more details visit: http://www.rte.ie/news/2000/0418/zimbabwe.html

Before my husband’s death he made it known to me that he deposited a huge sum of money with a Security Company in Johannesburg, South Africa. Then after my husband’s death, we decided to move to the Republic of South Africa seeking assylum.

I decided to contact you to assist me to transfer this fund out of South Africa because as (Refugee) Asylum seekers we are not allowed to operate any bank transaction within South Africa.

I have spent months in trying to get an overseas reliable contact, it is worthy to note that people are unreliable these days and even derive joy in telling lies.

On this ground I request your unreserved but sincere cooperation devoid of greed in carrying out this transaction so that no one amongst both of us shall defraud each other at the end. I am prepared to split the fund at 70%—30% for you, provided that mine (70%) will be intact at the end.

I wait your co-operation.

Thanks and God bless you.

Best Regards.

Mrs. Rosemary Martin Olds

Awwwwwkward…..

Hello there, Rosemary!

I must admit that at first, I was very curious about how you might have come across my contact email, but then I read the news article you linked to prove that you are really are truly who you say you are and that I can trust you because a Nigerian scammer would never link to something to try to prove that they are someone that they really are not.  After reading the article, it all made sense.  You see, I’m one of the guys that killed your husband and took over your farm and I lost my wallet somewhere that night.  I imagine you might not remember the specifics due to all the excitement of what was happening at the time, but I was the guy grunting like a baboon while hitting your husband in the head with a club crafted from one of those funny-face totems you can buy at the beach.  Let me tell you, my wife really gave me hell over that when she found bits of your husband’s brains and hair all over it.  In the end though, we both had a laugh over it, as you can’t stay angry when you’re looking at those funny faces.

Now that I have your farm, I see how very expensive it is running one and would very much appreciate 30% of your fortune.  I can’t get over how expensive everything is.  It’s admittedly getting cheaper every day, since I’ve eaten all of your cows, half of your goats, two of the slower running dogs and your daughter’s pet gerbil, but it’s still crazy expensive hiring people to do all the work around here(it’s very tiring and I’m more of a white-collar guy). If you would like to just bring the money by, I’ll be happy to meet you for tea.  Just call and leave a message with the butler(your son) and he’ll schedule you in.

thanks,
json

From: Advanced Finance <advancedfinance1@gmail.com>

Subj: Loan Offer at 3% (Serious Inquiry Only contact advancedfinance1@gmail.com)

DO YOU NEED A LOAN? IF YES THEN CONTACT US VIA EMAIL : advancedfinance1@gmail. com WITH YOUR INFORMATION.

THANKS

Before you judge me, just keep in mind that my wife left me, I’ve got a sick kid and my car just broke down.

From: Bob Wilson <gregsteve505@gmail.com>

Subj: URGENT ORDER

Hello
This is Bob and I will like to order ( Radial Piston )Do get back to me
with the types and cost for the ones you do carry and let me know if
there is an extra cost when using visa or master Card.Kindly get back
to me with your name Are you the sales manager or the Owner?
Regards….
Bob Wilson

Mr. Wilson, although it would seem that randomly spamming email addresses in search of radial pistons is an inefficient method of acquiring some, you’ve hit the lottery.

Hello Mr. Wilson,

We happen to have just under four billion radial pistons in stock, which you MUST purchase within the next four hours.  We don’t accept credit cards, however we are willing to barter for illiterate and ignorant Nigerians.  The way we’ve managed to create such a store of radial pistons is by having Nigerians shipped to us in exchange for past orders, placing them on the shop floor and telling them if they work really hard, they’ll get to meet a deposed prince’s wife.  They are whirling dervishes!

I look forward to your order.  You now have three hours, fifty two minutes and eleven seconds.

HURRY!
json
Head Sanitation Expert

From: Internal Revenue Service(IRS)
Subj: IRS Notification – Tax refund

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity
we have determined that you are eligible to receive
a tax refund under section 501(c) (3) of the
Internal Revenue Code. Tax refund value is $189.60.
Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 6-9 days
in order to IWP the data received.
If u don’t receive your refund within 9 business
days from the original IRS mailing date shown,
you can start a refund trace online.

If you distribute funds to other organization, your records must show wether
they are exempt under section 497 (c) (15). In cases where the recipient org.
is not exempt under section 497 (c) (15), you must have evidence the funds will
be used for section 497 (c) (15) purposes.

If you distribute fund to individuals, you should keep case histories showing
the recipient’s name and address; the purpose of the award; the maner of
section; and the realtionship of the recipient to any of your officers, directors,
trustees, members, or major contributors.
To access the form for your tax refund, please click here

This notification has been sent by the Internal Revenue Service,
a bureau of the Department of the Treasury.

Sincerely Yours,
John Stewart
Director, Exempt. Organization
Rulings and Agreements Letter
Internal Revenue Service

$189.60? Really? I’m going to risk all of my personal data for less than two hundred dollars?  Let me tell you something, Mr. IRS scammer.  I don’t get out of bed for anything under 500.  Shoot me another email when your fictitious refund represents something worth having.

This is exactly why I stick with deposed royalty.

From: Mr Adada Dilshad <crusadersails@btconnect.com>
Reply-To: wahidadada300@yahoo.co.jp

Subject: Charity Funds

Hello Friend,

I am Mr. Adada an Oil merchant in Iraq; i have been diagnosed with esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts, just recently my doctor inform me i have a few weeks to live due to the esophageal cancer. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of fifteen million dollars $15, 000, 000,00 that I have with a Financial institution abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to
charity organizations. It may interest you to know that i once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization; they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

I have set aside 10% for you and for your time.

God be with you.

Mr. Adada

I’m shocked that you think my time is worth so little.

Dear Mr. Dilweed,

First allow me to say how sorry I am that you’re going to die soon. Secondly, allow me to say I hope you make all efforts to stay alive until we’ve worked out the problems with your financial offering. There are some fantastic advancements that have been made in medicine. As long as you promise to be careful and not squander my money on it, I would hope that you impress upon the doctors how important it is that you remain with us until this transaction is finished.

Now, I would like to discuss the amounts of compensatory money that you are proposing. It seems to me that for all the shitty things you’ve done in this life, the amount of money you’re going to use to ease your conscience is a little on the light side. I mean 15 million? Bill Gates gives that away every time he finds a kid on the street using a Macintosh. Don’t think for a minute that you’re less evil than Bill Gates. Bill has been spending decades easing his conscience and he’s not even been told he’s going to die soon. That makes Bill a good guy. You spending 15 million after being such a complete fucktard and only after being told you’re about to take an eternal dirt nap makes you a cheap bastard.

Come back to me when the numbers are a little bigger, Mr. Dilweed and then we’ll talk shop.

thanks,
json