Say what you want about his curriculum and tactics, but when this man is done teaching you firearm safety, you completely understand the inherent risk of handling them. The only downside I can see to his method is that it prohibits any question and answer sessions at the end.
Darwin works in mysterious, but incredibly effective ways.
If you decide to lead a life of crime and want to try skimming debit and credit card numbers via a fake ATM, my advice to you is to be careful when you choose your mentors.
Protip #2: When placing your ATM, try to steer clear of DEFCON conventions visited by thousands of security professionals.
A couple of days ago, a comment was posted on one of the spam posts stating that they almost fell for it and thanking me for my service.
It was at that point I realized that I had unwittingly provided a service. There is a market for smartass. More importantly though I wondered – How secure is your future if the only thing standing between you and financial ruin is some pompous dipshit that amuses himself by replying to Nigerian scam artists? Oh, and he’s located at the far corner of the intardnet. The corner that doesn ‘t even get swept.
Seriously. I wrote these and posted them completely to amuse myself. As the comments and emails began building, I came to realize that I have single-handedly kept a roof over these peoples’ heads.
And do they pay me for my invaluable service? No. I’ve never even received one of those cute talking cards. The way I figure it, they would have lost everything, had it not been for me. For this incredible feat, I feel that I deserve at least half of what they own.
It’s 50% more than the Nigerian would have left them.
Subject: Awarded Cheque Of…
From: CHEVRON OIL/PETROLEM 2008 <email@example.com>
CHEVRON OIL/PETROLEM 2008
P.M.B Box 166
This is to inform you that you have won a prize money of One Million,United States Dollars, ($1,000,000.00) for this year 2008 Lottery promotion which is organized by CHEVRON OIL/PETROLUEM 2008, your email was selected as our beneficiary and was selected from ourofice electronically.
(CONTACT FINANCE DEPARTMENT)
CONTACT THEM WITH THESE DETAILS
These are your identification numbers:
Batch number………………..CT 091026XN
Reff number………………….CT 095447XN
Winning number……………CT 097886XN
Thank you and Accept my hearty congratulations once again
This man has earned a response.
Subject: WE OFFER FINANCIAL SERVICES!!!
From: LOAN FIRM SERVICES <firstname.lastname@example.org>
LOAN FIRM SERVICES
We are a fully registered and certified loan agency that offers loan And other kind of financial services, at a very low interest rate, within A maximum of 3 working days, to all genuinely interested individuals And co-operate financier for real estate and any kinds of business Financing across the globe.
We offer Loans to individuals, Firms and co-operate bodies at 3% interest rate per annum, Loan terms determinant. The Minimum/Smallest amount you can borrow is $5,000.00 US Dollars to Maximum of $10.Million.
Are you looking for funds to finance that project of yours, or you are Financially broke, Why not Come and get a very genuine loan, from a very Genuine and reliable source, and put a final stop to all your financial Needs. If interested in our financial services, contact our loan service, At:
Contact Name: Mr. John Paulson
Hi there John, and thanks of thinking of me.
It seems that she would be too tired to write, what with all the globe hopping:
Subject: VERY URGENT: PLEASE CONTACT ME
From: LAQUANYA EVET HILLARD <HILLALE@MAIL.BROWARD.EDU>
I am Mrs.Vivian Walter,the wife of Mr.Edwards Walter,I am a citizen of the United states. My husband worked with the Chevron/Texaco in Saudi Arabia before he died in the year 2004. my husband deposited the sum of (12.5 Million Pounds) with a Bank.the management just wrote me as the beneficiary that our account has been DORMANT and if I can not ACTIVATE the ACCOUNT,the funds will be CONFISCATED.I just want you to Stand as beneficiary for the Funds.reach me: email@example.com
Mrs. Vivian Walter.
And the ever-helpful response:
So your name is Vivian Walter, with an email address of Laquanya
Hillard, who is an American citizen using a Japanese mail account discussing a dead husband that resided in Saudi Arabia?
Holy shit, you’re really bad at this.
EDIT: She’s on to us, and now using a hotmail account, since that adds a sense of legitimacy: firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Notification of Bequest
From: Peter Adams <email@example.com>
Date: 12:20 AM
Peter Adams wrote:
Are you so fucking lazy that you can no longer copy & paste another’s hard work? You actually expect people to believe this bullshit? You sir, are not only a fucking moron, but you may be the laziest and most incompetent moron I’ve had the pleasure of receiving a 419 scam from yet. I’m considering giving you my money if you promise to purchase and ingest some ground glass and then chase it with some cyanide.
While receiving a tabasco sauce enema.
Our latest contestant:
Subject: FDV.Grant Award Donations!!!
From: “Fondazion Di Vittorio, ITALY” <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Reply-To: Sir Mario Domenico <email@example.com>
Fondazion Di Vittorio, ITALY
GRANT PIN NO.: (N-222-6747,E-900-56)
We bring to your notice the
decision by the Board of Trustees of Fondazione di
Vittorio to choose you as one of the final
recipients of a cash grant for your own personal,
educational,and business development.
To celebrate the new year and in coincidence
with our 31st anniversary,we are giving out
a donation of 500,000.00 Euro(Five Hundred Thousand Euro).
Each to 40 lucky recipients who there e-mail have been
selected from over 125,000 websites all over the globe,
as charity donations/aid from the Fondazione
di Vittorio, ECOWAS, EU and the UNO
in accordance with enabling acts of Parliament.
To File for your grant award you are expected
to send us the following detail to
facilitate the release of your grant prize.”(1)Full-Name,
(2)Age,(3)Sex,(4)Full Mailing Address and (5)Phone Number”.
Sir Mario Domenico
And his deserved response:
Not only do they act as the chlorine in the gene pool, but they also do their part to ensure that their customers don’t breed.
Let’s face it. If you think it’s a good idea to purchase medicine that affects the little general through nameless people via unsolicited bulk mail subscribing to this spelling methodology, then chances are great that you should not be allowed to influence the thoughts of those younger than you.
A report was recently published, linking pharmaceutical spam botnets to the Russian criminal underground. All of the Canadian pharmacy emails you get are actually routed to Ivan. Of interest in the report is the following quote:
However, IronPort-sponsored pharmacological testing revealed that two thirds of the shipments contained the active ingredient but were not the correct dosage, while the others were placebos. As a result, consumers take a significant risk of ingesting an uncontrolled substance from overseas distributors, the researchers say.
This is fantastic. Chances are great that the Viagra that the dipshits purchase will either do absolutely nothing, or may make them violently ill. Both of which will keep them from procreating.
And to think we were trying to put a stop to this.
Anybody that has read some of my past politically geared posts know that I don’t care who we end up with as our next president. You probably also know that for the most part, I don’t even know the names of most of the hopefuls.
I am however, a sucker for light hearted humor, so any news I do get in regards to the political arena is in this genre.
Take for instance, Hillary’s refusal to bow out after repeated runner-up positions. When asked why, she stated that she had to stay in the running in preparation for when Obama gets gunned down just like Robert Kennedy.
Somebody should check her Rolodex for an S. Sirhan.