Darwin works in mysterious, but incredibly effective ways.

Protip #2:  When placing your ATM, try to steer clear of DEFCON conventions visited by thousands of security professionals.

It was at that point I realized that I had unwittingly provided a service.  There is a market for smartass.  More importantly though I wondered – How secure is your future if the only thing standing between you and financial ruin is some pompous dipshit that amuses himself by replying to Nigerian scam artists?  Oh, and he’s located at the far corner of the intardnet.  The corner that doesn ‘t even get swept.

Seriously.  I wrote these and posted them completely to amuse myself.  As the comments and emails began building, I came to realize that I have single-handedly kept a roof over these peoples’ heads.

And do they pay me for my invaluable service?  No.  I’ve never even received one of those cute talking cards.  The way I figure it, they would have lost everything, had it not been for me.  For this incredible feat, I feel that I deserve at least half of what they own.

It’s 50% more than the Nigerian would have left them.

Subject: Awarded Cheque Of…
From: CHEVRON OIL/PETROLEM 2008 <info@chervronwinners.com>

Reply-To: chervrondeliverydepartment12@hotmail.com

CHEVRON OIL/PETROLEM 2008
Head Office
8,Macarthy Street,
P.M.B Box 166
Abuja, Nigeria.
Tel:+234-80-740-13-548

This is to inform you that you have won a prize money of One Million,United States Dollars, ($1,000,000.00) for this year 2008 Lottery promotion which is organized by CHEVRON OIL/PETROLUEM 2008, your email was selected as our beneficiary and was selected from ourofice electronically.

(CONTACT FINANCE DEPARTMENT)
Name:Dr.Micheal Williams
Tel:+2348-0740-13548
Fax:+2348-0740-13548
E-mail:chervrondeliverydepartment12@hotmail.com

CONTACT THEM WITH THESE DETAILS
NAME:
ADDRESS:
COUNTRY:
PHONE:
FAX:

These are your identification numbers:

Batch number………………..CT 091026XN
Reff number………………….CT 095447XN
Winning number……………CT 097886XN
Thank you and Accept my hearty congratulations once again
Yours faithfully,
Dr.Micheal Williams

This man has earned a response.

Oddly enough, there is no Maccarthy street in Abuja Nigeria(check Google maps if you don’t believe me). Besides we all know there’s nothing but scamming fuck-sticks in Nigeria. Nobody would locate a headquarters there.

Then you actually mis-spell “petroleum” not once, but twice. First in the subject(petrolem), then in the body(petroluem). I suspect that Chevron would know how to spell “petroleum”. Add to this that the domain you sent from is chervronwinners.com… Well, I don’t want to be mean, but I’m sensing a theme here.

Oh and a Hotmail account for a doctor that works for Chevron headquarters? That’s just ingenious.

I’m going to ask this, and I don’t want you to get mad. I want you to be honest with me. You’re retarded, aren’t you? I don’t mean it in a bad sense, so don’t get all huffy with me. I’m serious. You poke yourself in the eye with your fork sometimes? Forget to take Mr. Winky out of his cage before going pee? Eat other people’s hair? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You just have to want to overcome it, just like religion helps people overcome being gay. You can beat this.

The first step is constructing a believable scam. You can do it, I know you can.

I look forward to your next draft.

thanks,
json

Subject: WE OFFER FINANCIAL SERVICES!!!
From: LOAN FIRM SERVICES <heryanto@len.co.id>

Reply-To: john_paulson@yahoo.cn

LOAN FIRM SERVICES

We are a fully registered and certified loan agency that offers loan And other kind of financial services, at a very low interest rate, within A maximum of 3 working days, to all genuinely interested individuals And co-operate financier for real estate and any kinds of business Financing across the globe.

We offer Loans to individuals, Firms and co-operate bodies at 3% interest rate per annum, Loan terms determinant. The Minimum/Smallest amount you can borrow is $5,000.00 US Dollars to Maximum of $10.Million.

Are you looking for funds to finance that project of yours, or you are Financially broke, Why not Come and get a very genuine loan, from a very Genuine and reliable source, and put a final stop to all your financial Needs. If interested in our financial services, contact our loan service, At:
E-mail:john_paulson@yahoo.cn
Contact Name: Mr. John Paulson
Tel: +2347038884969
Tel: 0117038884969

Hi there John, and thanks of thinking of me.

Just a couple of questions before I submit my loan request:

When you say that I can put a “final stop to all of my financial needs”, does that mean that I don’t need to pay you back? If so, then you can actually disregard all of the other questions. I’m ready to apply.

If you answered that I do need to repay the loan, then I would first like to point out that it doesn’t put a “final stop to all of my financial needs”. It just changes the recipients of my payments to your company. I’m still ass-deep in debt.

As well, I’m wondering: Why do you use free email accounts for your loan service? Can you not afford a domain or website? You’ll give me $10mil, but you can’t register a $10 domain name? This reflects poorly on your money management skills. You should really purchase a domain. It will lend you a sense of stability, or at least will assure some people that you’re an actual corporate entity.

While we’re at it, why are you sending mail from an Indonesian based account, but accepting mail via a Chinese webmail account? It can’t be that you’re a world traveler, simply because we’ve already established that you can’t afford a domain name and it’s very expensive to travel. Could it be that your company is that large? No, couldn’t be, since you’re using Yahoo mail to initiate million dollar deals. Ooh, I got it! You’re a piece of shit Nigerian scam artist! Wait, that can’t be it either, since you already told me that you’re fully registered and certified. You also stated that you were a very genuine and reliable source. Please forgive my ignorant assumptions. It’s more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything you’ve done to earn that label.

Finally, you ask if I’m financially broke and state that if I am, I need to come to you for a loan. Now I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but feel a duty as a fellow good-hearted human being to tell you that this is bad business. Just a quick rule of thumb:

If someone is “financially broke”, you should not loan them money. You most definitely should not loan them $10mil. We’ve established that you are a genuine, reliable, registered and finally, certified. You’re A-OK in my book, but what about these untrustworthy people that will prey on others’ naivety? This may come as a complete shock to you, but there are people out there that will actually make a good living by screwing people out of their money over the internet. I can see you shaking your head in disbelief, but I promise you, there are. You’re going to get an email one day from some low-life piece of shit stating that you won a lottery, or that they’re a dethroned prince and need to transfer money out of country, or that they’re a loan firm and want to give you a lot of money at an unbelievable rate. I’m just saying that you might want to consider raising the bar on what’s required to borrow money from you. Financially broke people should probably not be part of your target market. I would hate for you to lose your money before I get a chance to approve my loan.

I really look forward to your response. I’ve already picked out my Leer jet. Maybe we could have some tea together in Indonesia.

After the loan is approved, of course.

thanks,
json

Subject: VERY URGENT: PLEASE CONTACT ME
From: LAQUANYA EVET HILLARD <HILLALE@MAIL.BROWARD.EDU>

Reply-To: vivianwalter1954@yahoo.jp

I am Mrs.Vivian Walter,the wife of Mr.Edwards Walter,I am a citizen of the United states. My husband worked with the Chevron/Texaco in Saudi Arabia before he died in the year 2004. my husband deposited the sum of (12.5 Million Pounds) with a Bank.the management just wrote me as the beneficiary that our account has been DORMANT and if I can not ACTIVATE the ACCOUNT,the funds will be CONFISCATED.I just want you to Stand as beneficiary for the Funds.reach me: vivian_walter54@hotmail.com

Remain blessed.
Mrs. Vivian Walter.

And the ever-helpful response:

So your name is Vivian Walter, with an email address of Laquanya

Hillard, who is an American citizen using a Japanese mail account discussing a dead husband that resided in Saudi Arabia?

Holy shit, you’re really bad at this.

thanks,
json

EDIT: She’s on to us, and now using a hotmail account, since that adds a sense of legitimacy: vivian_walter54@hotmail.com

Reply-To: peteradams077@yahoo.com.hk

Date: 12:20 AM

Peter Adams wrote:

I have a new email address!

You can now email me at: p_adam520@yahoo.in

Notification of your ($USD15,100,000 ) inheritance to claim as NEXT OF KIN to my late cleint.

- Peter Adams

Dearest Peter,

Are you so fucking lazy that you can no longer copy & paste another’s hard work?  You actually expect people to believe this bullshit? You sir, are not only a fucking moron, but you may be the laziest and most incompetent moron I’ve had the pleasure of receiving a 419 scam from yet.  I’m considering giving you my money if you promise to purchase and ingest some ground glass and then chase it with some cyanide.

While receiving a tabasco sauce enema.

thanks,
json

Subject: FDV.Grant Award Donations!!!
From: “Fondazion Di Vittorio, ITALY” <mark02@zajoulnet.com>
Reply-To: Sir Mario Domenico <fdvoffice77@aim.com>

Fondazion Di Vittorio, ITALY
http://www.fondazionedivittorio.it
GRANT PIN NO.: (N-222-6747,E-900-56)

We bring to your notice the
decision by the Board of Trustees of Fondazione di
Vittorio to choose you as one of the final
recipients of a cash grant for your own personal,
educational,and business development.

To celebrate the new year and in coincidence
with our 31st anniversary,we are giving out
a donation of 500,000.00 Euro(Five Hundred Thousand Euro).
Each to 40 lucky recipients who there e-mail have been
selected from over 125,000 websites all over the globe,
as charity donations/aid from the Fondazione
di Vittorio, ECOWAS, EU and the UNO
in accordance with enabling acts of Parliament.

To File for your grant award you are expected
to send us the following detail to
facilitate the release of your grant prize.”(1)Full-Name,
(2)Age,(3)Sex,(4)Full Mailing Address and (5)Phone Number”.

Regards.
Sir Mario Domenico
Fondazione Representative
Contact E-mail:fdvoffice77@aim.com
Tele:+00393291419908

And his deserved response:

Hey there fuckstick,

Just a few points for you to ponder:

1) Umm, grant, award or donation…. which is it?  Did you just come up with all the “crapload of cash” keywords you could think of and throw it into the subject line?

2) If your email states that you are celebrating the new year, you should be closer than 6 months from the new year, since that’s the farthest you can possibly be from said new year.

3) If you’re going to provide a PIN, at least take the time to have it dynamically generated or else it works really well to match you against the 419 databases.
Google Link
I’m sure in your quest to get what’s in my bank account you don’t want to waste any time creating a story that might make me want to give you my account numbers, but surely you can take a little time to actually create some code that makes it a little harder to confirm that you’re just a lazy piece of shit.

4) For the love of Christ, an Italian firm wanting to give away 20 million Euro is not going to use an AOL Instant Messenger email address. If you link to http://www.fondazionedivittorio.it to lend your email some credibility, then you should really have an email address that uses the fondazionedivittorio.it domain. What, can the foundation not afford to provide you an email address?

5) How stupid are you to make the address at the bottom link to E-mail:fdvoffice77@aim.com? If the people you are sending this email to are stupid enough to send you money, then they are too stupid to realize that you’re too stupid to make a proper link. That’s like stupid squared, or something.

If you will simply strive to be just a little bit less of a fucktard, the chances are good that you may actually get to ruin someone’s life by stealing all their money. As it stands now though, you just look like a lazy and incompetent dipshit.

thanks,
json

Let’s face it.  If you think it’s a good idea to purchase medicine that affects the little general through nameless people via unsolicited bulk mail subscribing to this spelling methodology, then chances are great that you should not be allowed to influence the thoughts of those younger than you.

A report was recently published, linking pharmaceutical spam botnets to the Russian criminal underground. All of the Canadian pharmacy emails you get are actually routed to Ivan. Of interest in the report is the following quote:

However, IronPort-sponsored pharmacological testing revealed that two thirds of the shipments contained the active ingredient but were not the correct dosage, while the others were placebos. As a result, consumers take a significant risk of ingesting an uncontrolled substance from overseas distributors, the researchers say.

This is fantastic. Chances are great that the Viagra that the dipshits purchase will either do absolutely nothing, or may make them violently ill. Both of which will keep them from procreating.

And to think we were trying to put a stop to this.

I am however, a sucker for light hearted humor, so any news I do get in regards to the political arena is in this genre.

Take for instance, Hillary’s refusal to bow out after repeated runner-up positions.  When asked why, she stated that she had to stay in the running in preparation for when Obama gets gunned down just like Robert Kennedy.

Somebody should check her Rolodex for an S. Sirhan.