One small problem. The medicine prescribed didn’t address the pain. To be frank, it didn’t even shake hands with it. It just walked on by the pain without even a sideways glance.

To make a long and painful story short, they finally gave me something that just completely obliterated my coherence and within four hours of the initial pain, I had passed the stone.

You may wonder why I’m bothering to write about this at five AM in the morning. On my blackberry. In my bathroom.

Unless you’re really slow, you should no longer be wondering. That’s right ladies and gents, the Incredible Schwim’s next feat will consist of passing a kidney stone with nothing but water and some Aleve.

At least he prays to God that it’s his next trick.

Hour 1:

At five AM on the dot, I’m awakened by a pain in the lower left of my back. Within five minutes, it has wrapped around to encompass the whole left side of my torso. Also, I have to urinate like it’s nobody’s business. I get to the bathroom but I barely pass anything. I head back to bed and lie down but before I can even begin the fruitless task of trying to adjust my position in hopes of getting rid of the pain, the realization that I’ve got another kidney stone hits me. I head back to the bathroom, close the doors and commence drinking copious amounts of water. I begin pacing in a circle. I stretch. I crouch. I duck-walk. As is always the case, nothing works. You simply buckle down for the ride. You have no choice in the matter.

Hour 2:

I tried searching on the Blackberry, but I can’t control my fingers well enough to operate the browser, so I grab the laptop. Search history shows “alleviate kidney stone pain” “kidney stone pain” “immediate relief from kidney stone pain” and my personal favorite, “ohmyfuckinggodhowdoIstopthepain?” After searching for what seemed like an eternity, instead of the common “it’s like giving birth. It’s normal.”, “There is nothing you can do to help the pain.” and “drink water” comments, I found hope. Neigh, I found promises! Joe Barton promised me relief! As I read, I began answering all of his questions. After a while, I was getting pretty pissed that he was putting me through the mental anguish:

Right now you are probably feeling terrible. Sharp pains may be shooting through your body as you curl up in pain. Your lower back may feel like it is being stabbed with a hot knife, over and over again. You may even feel like vomiting, or you may have some nausea.

Yes Joe, I am feeling terrible! How do I make it stop?

Memories of past episodes with kidney stones may be haunting you as you feel another attack coming on.

Oh my God, Joe, it’s almost as if you’re in the bathroom with me! Now tell me how to make it stop!

You are desperate for a kidney stone miracle.

Jesus Joe, we’ve already established that! Please tell me what to do!

Instead, Joe tells me how it’s guaranteed to work or my money back and then begins telling me about his great kids.

Now I am in so much pain that it’s hard to think, but I do the math.

Under 10% of sufferers have to have surgery. The rest pass the stone on their own, usually within 24 to 48 hours.

Chances are great that I’m going to get rid of this stone. For the simple fact that Joe has created a site to amplify the fears of his visitors before hitting them with a shopping cart, I decided that I would die on my bathroom floor before I sent him any money. It would be akin to the anesthesiologist waiting for the birth pains to start before telling my wife how incredibly bad it’s going to hurt to have a child and then handing her a credit card processing machine to pay for the spinal tap. Even in my pain induced stupor, I realize that there is no magical solution. I close the laptop and grab another glass of water.

Hour 3:

Holy Baby Jesus in the manger, this hurts. I’ve had a lot of pain and I do believe that this tops the list, barre none. I’ve tried stretching, curling, lying down, jumping, sitting, jogging and more. The thing that separates kidney stone pain from other pains is the simple fact that it is all-encompassing and it is completely inescapable. Where you can cradle a broken arm, you’re on your own with your fluid processing plant. You get waves of pain, spikes of pain, flashes of pain and finally, you get crushing blasts of pain. You feel as if you have to do something and you can’t sit still, but nothing helps. My wife is up now and has continued the internet search, finding all kinds of home remedies for easing the pain. I will save future suffers the trouble by letting you know now that none of it worked.

In order from most crazy to least crazy:

1) Hold a vibrating back massager against your lower back and groin area. The vibration will both help jar the stone loose and will dull the pain.

Rating: 5 bullshit stamps.
Bonus: It confuses the sensations and now you’re not sure whether you have to pee, poop or have an alien pop out of your midsection.

2) Filling your stomach completely with water, then jumping up and down. This will just knock the stone right out of there.

Rating: 5 bullshit stamps.
Bonus: Now you have to vomit.

3) Take a brisk walk.

Rating 5 bullshit stamps.
Bonus: I’ve been walking since the pain started. Walking briskly has done nothing but take me farther away from the john in case I do have to go.

Hour 4:

My wife has called all of the family members and all feel that I should visit the doctor. I’m in no position to argue and would really love to have some of those pills that make it all go away. I decide to wait a little longer and during that time, the incredible pain vanishes, leaving in it’s wake a substantial need to pee and phantom pains that are just enough to make you think that maybe you didn’t get rid of it. For the next hour, I wait for the return of the pain. For the next 6 hours, I continue to use the bathroom in an attempt to get rid of the two gallons of water that I ingested. It seems that I passed it after all. Running on an hour and a half of sleep, I finish out the day. I’m just so thankful that the pain is gone!  I don’t ever want to have to go through that again.

Day two:

I wake up at 7AM with an intense pain in my lower back.