From: angelakadhy <angelakadhy@gmail.com>
Subj: HEAR ME OUT PLEASE (URGENT REPLY)

Apostolic Greetings

I am Sister mrs Angela Kadhy from Bahrain. I am married to Dr. Phillip Kadhy who worked with Bahrain embassy in cote d’ivoire for nine years before he died in the year 2007. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (5.5 Million
U.S.Dollars) with A BANK in cote d’ ivoire. Presently, this money is still with the BANK. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke, Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to church or better still a christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church that will use this to fund churches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers.

I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bossom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the BANK in ivory coast.

I will also issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as the original- beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.

Who ever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth.Please always be prayerful all through your life. any delay in your reply will give me a room in searching for a church or christian individual for this same purpose.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated here and i want you to fast and pray for God to take asbsolute controll of this fund untill it get to you.

Hoping to hear from you soon.

From Mrs Angela Kadhy

If anyone can overlook Sister Mrs., it’s me.
(P.S. Bonus points to me for the Weird Al lyric)

Monktastic greetings to you, Mrs. sister!

I feel as if the hand of God led your fingers as you wrote this email to me.  My name is Father Shamus Dandy, of the Holy Order of Pointy Hats.  I, along with my 11 wives, live and preach out of Apple Valley, Utah.  I am the pious guy the little the little Amalettes want to be like.  You can can trust that Gods work will be done through me with your funding.

I assure you that I will act according to your wishes.  I have also ordered my wives to stop eating for the duration of this transaction to ensure that God doesn’t get angry and light the money on fire while it’s in transit, as you seem worried might happen. I guess because your God is an angry God.

Please let me know what I need to do to begin Gods work with your money.

May the baby Jesus’ light shine upon you until you’re dead,
Father Dandy

Let’s get busy! (Click below to read the rest of the conversation)

From: angelakadhy <angelakadhy37@yahoo.com>
Subj: Hello Dear.

Hello Dear.

Thank you so much for the mail I really appreciate it so much and I pray that every thing will workout for us for good.

I want you to know that my late husband deposit this money in the security company for safekeeping and for future investment purpose. I want you to know that my husband serve in the Oil Company in Cote dIvoire before his death.

Presently this fund is still under the custody of the fiduciary so I do need your assistance to get the fund secure in your position as my partner and family friend overseas, since their is presidential crisis going on here in abidjan cote d’ivoire, it will be very easy and secure for you to receive the money in your country as my partner and family friend.

I will issue you the vital documents that cover the family valuable as soon as I hear from you and also the contact details of the fiduciary house where my late husband deposit the family valuable so that you will contact them on how to secure the family valuable on my behalf.

I need you to send me your contact details to enable me send you the vital documents and the contact information’s of the fiduciary house where the money is been deposited so that you will contact them on how to transfer the family valuable to you in your country.

Please know that we need to trust ourselves in this business transaction and let us focus Allah and believe that things will workout for us for good.

I will be waiting to hear from you soonest with your contact information’s such as house address, phone number, age, occupation, country of origin so that we will proceed further.

Your full names…………
Your residential address….
Your phone number…
Your country name…
Your age….
Marital Status
Your OCCUPATION….

Thanks and Allah bless you and your family.

Yours faithfully

Mrs. Angela Khady.

Hello my sweetest,

I see no reason why I shouldn’t provide you with my most sensitive of information.  Please contact me at your earliest convenience.

Schwim Dandy
93 Peachtree Street
Murphy, NC 28906-2940

(828) 837-2214

United States
37
Married
Pfizer test subject

Now, the funny part to me isn’t the email, but that I gave him the address and phone number to the local police station. Living in a town run by rednecks, I giggle at the conversation that surely followed as a foreigner asked Sherriff Bubba if they could speak to Schwim Dandy.

From: Christopher Catchpole <chriscatchpole191@yahoo.com.cn>
Subj: FROM  Christopher Catchpole

FROM  Christopher Catchpole
Email:

Good Day,
I am Mr.  Christopher Catchpole, I am contacting you concerning
a deceased customer and an investment he placed under our banks management
Seven years ago. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of
this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by
as a result of this mail.I am contacting you independently of our investigation
and no one is informed of this communication. I would like to intimate you with
certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. In the year 2002, the
subject matter; came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our
private banking division. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of
Fifteen Million Dollars, which he wished to have us turn over (invest) on his
behalf.
I was the officer assigned to his case; I made numerous suggestions in line with
my duties as the de-facto chief operations officer of the private banking sector
then, especially given the volume of funds he wished to put into our bank. We
met on numerous occasions prior to any investments being placed. I encouraged
him to consider various growth funds with prime ratings. In mid 2004, he asked
that the money be liquidated because he needed to make an urgent investment
requiring cash payments in Helsinki- Finland. He directed that I liquidate the
funds and deposit it with a security firm. I informed him that my Bank would
have to make special arrangements to have this done and in order not to
circumvent due process. Cash movement across boarders has become especially
strict since the incidents of 9/11. I contacted my affiliate and made the funds
available to the security firm.

Due to the absolutely absurd length of his email, Click below to read the rest of the conversation:

I undertook all the processes and made sure I followed his precise instructions
to the letter and had the funds deposited with the security firm. The Security
Firm is a specialist private firm that accepts deposits from high net worth
individuals and blue chip corporations that handle valuable products or
undertake transactions that need immediate access to cash. This small and
highly private organization is familiar  especially to the highly placed and
well-connected organizations. In line with instructions, the money was
deposited with the security firm. The deceased told me he wanted the money
there in anticipation of his arrival from Norway later that week. This was the
last communication we had, this transpired around 25th of November 2004.In August
last year we got a call from the security firm informing us about the
inactivity of that particular portfolio. I made futile efforts to locate the
deceased. I immediately passed the task of locating him to the internal
investigations department of the Bank. Four days later, information
started to trickle in, apparently our client was dead. A person who suited his
description was declared dead of a heart attack in cannel, in Southern part of
France. We were soon enough to identify the body and cause of death was
confirmed.In his bio-data form, he listed no next of kin. In the field of private banking,
opening an account with us means no one will know of its existence, accounts are
rarely held under a name; depositors use numbers and codes to make the accounts
anonymous.

This investigation has for the past months been unfruitful; we’ve
used our private investigation affiliate companies to get to the root of the
problem. It is this investigation that resulted in my being furnished with your
details as a possible relative of the deceased. According to practice, The
Security Firm will by the end of this financial year broadcast a request for
statements of claim to Bank, failing to receive viable claims they
will most probably revert the deposit back to Bank. This will
result in the money entering the Bank accounting system and the
portfolio will be out of my hands and out of the private banking division. This
will not happen if I have my way. What I wish to relate to you will smack of
unethical practice but I want you to understand something. It is only an
outsider to the banking world who finds the internal politics of the banking
world aberrational. The world of private banking especially is fraught with
huge rewards for those that occupy certain offices and oversee certain
portfolios. You should have begun by now to put together the general direction
of what I propose. There is Fifteen Million Dollars deposited in a security firm, I
alone have the deposit details and they will release the deposit to no one
unless I instruct them to do so. I alone know of the existence of this deposit
for as far as my Bank is concerned.

My proposal: I now seek your permission to present you as a next of kin to the
deceased, as all documentations will be carefully worked to make you the
beneficiary to the funds US$15,000 000 00 (Fifteen Million Dollars); I am prepared
to place you in a position to instruct The security Firm to release the deposit
to you as the closest surviving relation. Upon receipt of the deposit, I am
prepared to share the money with you. That is: I will simply nominate you as
the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you. We share the proceeds
60/40.I would have gone ahead to ask that the funds be released to me, but that
would have drawn a straight line to me and my involvement in claiming the
deposit. We can fine-tune this based on our interactions am aware of the
consequences of this proposal. I ask that if you find no interest in this
project that you should discard this mail. I ask that you do not be vindictive
and destructive. If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and
forget I ever contacted you.

Do not destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal. I am not a
criminal and what I do, I do not find against good conscience, this may be hard
for you to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates that I make this
move. Such opportunities only come ones’ way once in a lifetime. I cannot let
this chance pass me by, for once I find myself in total control of my destiny.
These chances won’t pass me by. I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if
you will not work with me let me know and let me move on with my life but do
not destroy me. I am a family man and this is an opportunity to provide them
with new opportunities. There is a reward for this project and it is a task
well worth undertaking.

I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you refusing to
work with me and alerting my bank. If you give me positive signals, I will
initiate this process towards a conclusion. I wish to inform you that should
you contact me via official channels; I will deny knowing you and about this
project. I repeat, I do not want you contacting me through my official phone
lines nor do I want you contacting me through my official email account.
Contact me only through the numbers I will provide for you and also through
this email address. I do not want any direct link between you and myself. My
official lines are not secured lines as they are periodically monitored to
assess our level of customer care in line with our Total Quality Management
policy. Please observe this instruction religiously.Please, again, note that I
am a family man, I have a wife and children. I send you this mail not without a
measure of fear as to what the consequences, but I know within me that nothing
ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a
platter of gold. This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking
clients. Do not betray my confidence.

I await your response.

Mr. Christopher Catchpole

Holy fucking wall o’ text, Batman.

Hi there Mister Catchpole,

You have nothing to fear from me, as I am as much of a despicable and unscrupulous thief as you are.  Please let me know what I need to do to make a lot of money from this.  Be quick, as I’m entertaining offers from a USMC sergeant, a deposed prince and a family member of a dead airline pilot.

thanks,
json

I had nothing to fear, however.  Now the big-wigs were in charge and things were going to happen fast.

From: Kieran Dutch <kieran_dutch00j@yahoo.de>
Subj: Santander Bank

ATTN HON BENIFICARY.

THE DIPLOMAT DONALD SWIGER WENT BACK TO UK WITH YOUR CONSIGNMENT,I ISSUED HIM THE DOCUMENTS TO DEPOSIT THE CONSIGNMENT WITH Santander Bank. CONTACT THE BANK TO FINALIZE TRANSFER OR DRAFT ISSUED TO YOU.THE DEPOSIT CODE IS 77223 ALSO INFORM ME OF ANY REQUIREMENT SO WE CAN FINALIZE.THE BANK INFO IS BELOW CONTACT THE BANK

Santander Bank.
(Int’l Remittance Department)
130 Market Street Piccadilly Gardens
Manchester,Lancashire M60 1AY,
United Kingdom.
Email: accounts@uksantanderbn.com
Contact Person In Charge of Funds:Mr. Andrew Savage
Tel:+447011198745
Fax:+448447744914

CALL ME

THANK YOU
DR USMAN KADIRI
KTT DIRECTOR CBN
+234-7056717039
kttdirectorcbn@officer.com or k.cbnusman@rocketmail.com

Finally!

From: json
Subj: Santander Bank

Mr. Swiger totally screwed me out of my consignment.  I allowed my mother to die and accidentally ran over a hooker all because of him.

Now I really need that money as they want $5,000.00 just to bury my mom.  I’ve been holding off on the burial in case Donald got back in touch with me, but to be completely frank, she’s beginning to stink.  It’s not pleasant being in the same house with her.

Go ahead and shoot me the money, if you would. My super-secure PIN is 77223.

thanks,
json

Due to the length, click below to read the rest of the conversation.

From: Kieran Dutch <kieran_dutch00j@yahoo.de>
Subj: RE: Santander Bank

ATTN HON BENIFICARY.

CONTACT THE BANK WITH YOUR CONTRACT ACCOUNT  AND YOUR FULL DETAILS AND MAKE SURE YOU RECONFIRM EVERY CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN YOU AND THE BANK TO ME,SO I CAN MONITIOR THE SITUATION AND MAKE SURE EVERY THING GOES RIGHT.THIS IS THE TIME  YOU  HAVE TO BE PAID

CALL ME

THANK YOU
DR USMAN KADIRI
KTT DIRECTOR CBN
+234-7056717039

It’s time now to bring in “the closer”.

From: Santander Bank UK <accounts@uksantanderbn.com>
Subj: WELCOME TO SANTANDER BANK

Santander Bank.
(Int’l Remittance Department)
130 Market Street Piccadilly Gardens
Manchester,LancashireM60 1AY,
United Kingdom.
Tel: +447024097968
Fax: +448447744914

March 28, 2011
Attn: SCHWIM DANDY,

Welcome to Santander Bank PLC online transferring department. I am Mr.Andrew Savage, the online transfer manager/coordinator.
We received instructions from the Director On behalf of Dr. USMAN KADIRI to create and credit your transit account with the sum of $25, 000, 000, 00(Twenty Five Million United States Dollars Only)
You are therefore provided with the Transferring Link, Account Name and PIN to enable you access your account and also transfer this fund to any account you deem fit around the globe. Find below the required information:

Transferring Link:

http://wwwlogin.uksantanderbn.com/

User ID: DANDY
PIN: 79542821

You are to enter the Customer Name and PIN. For the Account Statement and thereafter commence transfer.
Now you have information to access the account and also transfer the fund to your personal account.
Please note that you are required to keep the above information secretly to avoid misappropriation of fund and any fraud.
I am the Coordinator of this bank’s online transferring department and you are expected to write me if you have any problems with the transfer of the fund to your personal bank account.

Regards,
Mr. Andrew Savage
Head, Foreign Payment/Telex Unit, SBP
Tel:  +447024097968

I have to share with you that at this point I log into the site to find a shitload of zeros in my fake bank account.

From: Schwim Dandy
Subj: RE: WELCOME TO SANTANDER BANK

Hello Mr. Savage,

I want to thank you so much for providing me to the following information.  Logging in and seeing all those zeros made my mother’s death totally worth it.

I really feel safe just knowing that the money is being held at your bank so if it’s ok with you, I was just planning on leaving it there in the event of a rainy day and I need to buy a learjet or major league baseball field.  I’m sure being a really big bank with official login pages and all, you won’t mind me just keeping the money with you.  After all, That’s how you make your money, right?  From the interest?

Thanks so much for everything you’ve done.  It does my heart good to know that there are fine people such as yourself helping others, one new millionaire at a time.

thanks,
json

It seems the Kieran feels that he hasn’t gotten the accolades due him. It seems at first that he’s so angry he forgets to draft an email.

From: Kieran Dutch <kieran_dutch00j@yahoo.de>
Subj: RE: WELCOME TO SANTANDER BANK UK

Calm down, Kieran.

From: Schwim Dandy
Subj: RE: WELCOME TO SANTANDER BANK

Hi there Kieran,

You either sent me a blank email or one written in invisible ink.  I’ve smeared lemon juice across the monitor but it didn’t reveal anything, so I’m thinking it was a blank email.

thanks,
json

From: Kieran Dutch <kieran_dutch00j@yahoo.de>
Subj: RE: WELCOME TO SANTANDER BANK UK

ATTN HON BENIFICARY.

THE BANK CONFIRMED THAT YOUR PAYMENT HAS BEEN RELEASE TO YOU,CONGRATULATION FOR MY HARD WORK I DERSERVE APPRECIATION.NOTE THIS AND GET IT DONE.

CALL ME

THANK YOU
DR USMAN KADIRI
KTT DIRECTOR CBN
+234-7056717039

From: Schwim Dandy
Subj: RE: WELCOME TO SANTANDER BANK

Hi there Kieran,

Congratulations!

And to show you how appreciative I am:

2, 4, 6, 8,
Who do we appreciate?
Kieran!  Kieran!
Yaaaaaaaaay Kieran!

Thanks very much for all you’ve done.  I’m unable to call out on my phone due to the fact that someone broke in last week and stole every third digit off of the face of the phone, but just know that I’m incredibly grateful for all you’ve done, even though it was your job and all.  If you need someone to hug you, I’m your guy.

thanks,
json

From: KadrlikPetrarca, Katherine Naomi <kkadrli@calstatela.edu>
Subj: (No Subject)

Are You Desperately in need of a loan help? or do you have bad credit contact us via: :dannywhite2010@aol.com with Amount needed and Loan Duration.

Why, as a mater of fact, Kadrilik-Katherine-Danny Petrarca-Naomi-White, I am desperately in need of a loan!

Hello Katherine,

I’m in the process of creating the world’s largest alpaca farm.  I am raising them, then killing and stuffing them for use on those cute quarter rides that you find at the grocery store.  I’ve raised them and killed them but now need the funds to hire a taxidermist to handle the stuffing portion of my plan.  I can’t find a taxidermist locally that can handle the large number of stuffings that I have, but I did find a used car salesman two towns over willing to handle the job.  He wants $125.00 per alpaca, $215.00 if I go for the optional protective undercoat.

I currently have 18,941 dead alpacas stored in the second floor of my house.  By my math, that means I’m going to need a loan of $4,072,315.00.  The gentleman explained that I can’t really afford to go without the undercoat as some of the alpacas will be installed in grocery stores located in extreme cold climates, where corrosive anti-freezing measures are used in the parking lots.

I plan on this taking off very quickly, therefore being able to pay you back in very short order.  Without trying to seem overly optimistic about how long this will take, I would set the duration of the loan for 45 minutes.

I very much look forward to your reply, as it’s begun to smell very badly in my house.

thanks,
json

From: SGT Steven D. Spencer <spencer@live.com>
Subj: [Ann] Letter from a U.S. Marine- 3/26/2011

Good Day,

I am SGT Steven D. Spencer, a US Marine Sergeant serving in the 3rd Battalion, 25th Marine Regiment that Patrols the Anbar Province,Iraq. I am desperately in need of assistance and have summoned up courage to contact you. I am presently in Iraq and I got your contact particulars from a data mining company based back home in the states.

Your assistance is needed to evacuate the sum of $18 million (eighteen Million U.S Dollars) to a safe country; as far as I can be assured that it will be safe in your care until my service completion on 11th September, 2011.

Your help requires a private arrangement and with the help of a British contact working with the UN here (his office enjoys some immunity),you will receive these funds and invest them on our behalf. I am willing to part with generous management fees as well as show my utmost appreciation for fewer questions asked. I have waited for 7 years to allow the dust to settle and its clear no one is raising any issues on this.

A gentle reminder as the story was on BBC World News(link below):

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm

I look forward to getting a straight answer from you in order to let us work out the modalities involved. This fund is currently located in Iraq and awaits your urgent response. Please reply to my personal email address contained in my signature below.

Respectfully,
SGT Steven D. Spencer
s.d.spencer@anysoldier.info
United States Marine Corps.
IRAQ.

Holy shit, it’s a real-live Marine!

Ooh rah, my motherfucking devil dog!  How the hell are you?

My name is PVT. Schwim Dandy of Weapons Co. 2/2 and a life-long jar head.  Why only  a private?  Because I’m a hard-charging, motherfucking Marine and I love to party, that’s why.  That and I crashed the base commander’s humvee into the PX…..while he was in the back.

Fuck that shit though.  Let’s make us some money! I don’t think we should deal with your British contact.  Number one, he’s British.  Number 2, he’s not American. I’ve got some ideas of my own about how we can get this money back to the states:

1) Kill some fucking ragheads, hollow their corpses with an ice-cream scoop, fill their skins with money and use them as carry-on luggage on the flight back to the states.

2) I will fly over and eat the motherfucking money.  When we get back, I will shit you out exact change.

3) You fold all the bills into paper airplanes and throw them towards the U.S.  I’m not an aerospace engineer, but surely some of that shit will make it across.  I’ll hang out at the beach waiting for when they do.

Of course, you may have a better idea, but seeing as how you’re a Marine, I doubt it.  We’re bred to kill, not to think!  You might want to ask a corpsman though, they seem too smart for their own good.

Fuck Yeah!
Schwim Dandy
Private, USMC
Camp Lejeune

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: Donald Swiger

YOU

iam the diplomat with your consignment,iam in new york call me on 716 810 4314

Ooh, a consignment! Does it make a noise when you shake it?

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: Donald Swiger

Donald,

It seems that I’ve lost my cell phone whilst artificially inseminating a cow.  Is there any chance that we can deal with my consignment via email?

thanks,
ME

I found the phone, but I’m sure as hell not going to use it now.

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

i have cleared the consignment ,i have to proceed to ur address.it will cost $850 to transport your  consignment to you,waiting for your response urgently

Address.it, huh? Well, I’ll see your TLD and raise you a couple of my own.

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

Donald,

If I understand you correctly and you have proceeded to my address.it, can’t you just simply ring my doorbell.gr and hand me the consignment once I open the door.us?  I only ask because I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get the $850 to you.

Please respond quickly as I had saved this money to pay for my mother’s much needed life-saving heart surgery, and I’m afraid that if I don’t hear from you soon, I’ll choose the surgery and miss out on what I can only assume is a fantastic specimen of a consignment.

Hoping to hear from you soon,
ME

Hurry Don. Mom’s looking a little gray.

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

THE $850 REQUIRED IS TO TRANSPORT YOUR CONSIGNMENT TO YOU.I WILL PROCEED BACK IF YOU DID NOT COMPLY

Oh shit, it’s caps. The Don’s getting pissed.

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

I SEE THAT WE HAVE NOW PROGRESSED TO USING ONLY CAPITAL LETTERS IN OUR EMAIL CORRESPONDENCE.  UNTIL INSTRUCTED TO DO OTHERWISE BY YOU, I WILL DRAFT MY MESSAGES WITH NO LOWER CASE LETTERS, SO AS NOT TO ANGER YOU ANY FURTHER.

AS STATED IN MY PREVIOUS EMAIL, I UNDERSTAND THAT I NEED TO GIVE YOU $850.  I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET IT TO YOU.  I HAVE A FRIEND THAT RAISES CARRIER PIGEONS, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT IT CAN CARRY THAT MANY SINGLES(MY SAVINGS ARE GENERATED FROM MY OCCUPATION AS A MALE STRIPPER AT A LOCAL REST HOME, HENCE THE SMALL DENOMINATION OF THE BILLS.  THAT IS, OF COURSE, THE ONLY THING THAT’S SMALL, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT(WINK, WINK)).  IF YOU WILL SIMPLY INSTRUCT ME ON HOW TO PAY YOU, WE CAN BE DONE WITH THIS BUSINESS, AND YOU CAN TRAVEL BACK TO YOUR HOMELAND, WHERE I’M SURE YOU’RE WELL RESPECTED AND EVEN FEARED.

I HAVE ALREADY TOLD MY MOM THAT I LOST MY MONEY IN A COCK-FIGHTING MATCH.  I FIGURED IT’S BEST THAT I COME UP WITH A COVER STORY IN CASE I’M ABLE TO WORK SOMETHING OUT WITH YOU AND SHE HAS TO DIE.

I EAGERLY AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE,
me

The cockfighting thing wasn’t really a lie. I made some money at it though but I’m not going to tell Don that. He’ll hike up the price.

From: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

i have cleared the consignment ,i have to proceed to ur address.it will cost $850 to transport your  consignment to you,waiting for your response urgently.send $850 to approve the delivery ticket to the head qrauter in Atlanta G via western union to mrs RITA WALTER,they will send the ticket to me in new york

Urgent is my middle name, Don.

To: Swiger Donald <ddds_usa@yahoo.com>
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Donald Swiger

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE DELAY IN RESPONDING.  WHILE ON THE WAY TO THE WESTERN UNION, I HIT A HOOKER CROSSING THE STREET AND TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, IT KILLED HER, SO I HAD TO FIND A PLACE TO BURY THE BODY AND IT’S VERY TOUGH TO FIND SOFT SOIL AS MOST OF IT AROUND HERE IS THAT TENACIOUS CLAY THAT YOU SIMPLY CAN’T DIG INTO.  I ENDED UP FINDING SOME DIRT I COULD WORK WITH IN A GARDEN IN FRONT OF A HOUSE IN TOWN, SO EVERYTHING WORKED OUT VERY WELL.  FOR ME, I MEAN.  NOT SO MUCH FOR THE HOOKER.

BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND, I MANAGED TO GET TO THE WESTERN UNION AND SENT THE FUNDS($849) TO RITA WALTER IN ATLANTIC CITY, NJ, AS REQUESTED.

BE SAFE WHILE TRAVELING. AND DON’T WEAR DARK CLOTHING AT NIGHT. OR FISHNETS.
me

It seems that this is where I lost Don. Although he was ok with cellphones lodged in cow’s vaginas, killing off my mother and being a stripper at a rest home, killing off the hooker and burying her in someone’s garden seems to have been my undoing.

Kudos to you Don, for being observant and knowing when I wasn’t what I appeared to be.

If you were a domain reseller or registrar that lied to people, telling them that someone else was registering domains with your trademark in an effort to sell you every domain under the sun so they could protect their IP from an entity that didn’t exist….. well, then you’d be a shitbag.  You would, however, be a shitbag that was making a bit more money than the other sellers though, so I guess there’s that.

Angela represents one such group of shitbags.  How do I know this?  Well see, the “research” that she mentions in her email somehow tied an email address that I only use for donations to a domain that I don’t have any form of trademark over.  The scam is kind of old, but it doesn’t stop them from bringing it back every once in a while to try to grab a few people that are too stupid to breathe on their own but have somehow stayed alive long enough to have a credit card and a domain name.

From: Angela <info@ygnetwork.org>
Subj: Notice of Intellectual Property-Trademark Name

Dear Manager,

We are a Network Service Company which is the domain name registration center in Shanghai, China. On November,1st,2010, We received HUAXIA Company’s application that they are registering the name “husaberg” as their Internet Trademark and “husaberg.cn”,”husaberg.com.cn” ,”husaberg.asia”domain names etc.,It is China and ASIA domain names.But after auditing we found the brand name been used by your company. As the domain name registrar in China, it is our duty to notice you, so I am sending you this Email to check.According to the principle in China,your company is the owner of the trademark,In our auditing time we can keep the domain names safe for you firstly, but our audit period is limited, if you object the third party application these domain names and need to protect the brand in china and Asia by yourself, please let the responsible officer contact us as soon as possible. Thank you!

Kind regards
Angela Zhang

Shanghai Office (Head Office)

Registration Department Manager
3002, Nanhai Building 854.Nandan Road
Xuhui District, Shanghai
Email: info@yg-networks.com

Anhui Office

Office: +86 0553 4994789
Fax: +86 0553 4994789
web: http://www.ygnetwork.org

Angela Zhang. Such a traditional Chinese name.

Good day to you, Angela Zhang.My name is Hao Chang Smith, and I just wanted to thank you for thinking of us before allowing any slant-eyed bastards to register a domain name that we have a ridiculously loose affiliation with.

We would most definitely like to register every domain TLD you offer to protect our assets, but it seems that you’re unaware of the American custom in which the first ten years of a domain is paid by the registrar.  This is done to appease the ancient Gods of the intertubes.  In the old days, registrars had to sacrifice someone over 6 feet tall, which is why you all are so damned short now.  It seems the explosive popularity of the WWW has depleted the supply of Chinese citizens of normal height.

Please let us know when we can expect delivery of our domain names as we will wait for the UPS guy on the day of delivery.  The last time they left them outside on the stoop, someone stole them.  I bet he was Chinese.

Thanks,
Hao

What a bunch of maroons.  Everybody knows there’s three b’s in unbbbivesity.

Dear Mr. Toyoda & Co.

Oh Wow, I can’t believe I’ve won!  And to think that it never would have happened to me if I hadn’t visited various websites! I bet those people that have only visited particular websites are feeling pretty foolish right about now.

I think what you’re doing is pretty ingenious.  Giving a small handful of people money while never letting anyone else know of your good deeds is sure to sway the global population’s perception of your brand.  Yesterday, you were a bunch of fucktards that couldn’t design a car and today, you are automotive geniuses, and it’s all because you’re giving me money.  If you look at it this way, I am a pivotal part of your brand re-imaging, and may be entitled to some additional funds, which we can discuss at a later time.

If only Ford had thought of this after designing a car that turned it’s passengers into smoked sausages in the event of a rear-end collision.  Instead, they simply issued a recall and tried to resolve the issue…. morons.  On a side note, I always thought that if they had filled the car’s gas tanks with bar-b-que sauce during the recall process and the customer had an accident afterward, they would have resolved the issue AND the driver would have witnessed Ford’s ability to laugh at themselves a little.

(What a Ford Pinto driver might look like.)

I look forward to the money and am happy to do what I can to put the Toyota brand back where it belongs… AT THE TOP!

thanks,
json

From: Gracias Dare<gracias_dare@kaijinji.com>
Reply-To: ahmed.cuma@w.cn

Subj: Urgent attention needed on your outstanding payment.

Notification of your outstanding Payment
File code: 00/WACP/00709.

Attention: Beneficiary,

Regards to your unclaimed Fund $950.000, I wish to inform you that an official instruction has been passed, which stated that your fund will be paid through category ©, this category strictly stated that your total sum will be remitted through WESTERN UNION.

But, due to Western Union transfer rules, you will be entitled to $5,000.00 install-mental payment every day till the above mentioned fund is completely paid off.

Note, that your fund is covered with a comprehensive insurance bond, as a result of the insurance bond policy covering your total sum. You will be responsible for the notarization fee of $105 as this will enable our processing Attorney to notarize your remittance Form since you can not fly to (Bank of Africa) to fill out the required processing form, but if you can that will be better.

Endeavour to contact Dr. Ahmed Cuma on the below information for further directives and also to put you in contact with the Bank Officials for the release of your funds:

Contact person attn: Ahmed Cuma
E-mail: ahmed_cuma@w.cn

And never you fail to send to him the below requested info for proceedings;

Full Name:
Address:
Country:
City:
Tel:

Best Regards,
Mr. Gracias Dare (Legal adviser on financial matters)

I can almost picture this person flipping through a Merriam-Websters dictionary, choosing words at random.  Fortunately for me, it’s how I usually converse, so I am well-armed to fire back a volley of incomprehensibilities.

Gracious polymorphic chlorophyll to you, Mr. Garcias,

I am endeavoring to contact the good Dr. Ahmed Cuma on behalf of my apex croissant client and beneficiary of these funds, the honorable lead-free Mr. json( heretofore known as Schwim Dandy).

Mr. Dandy did fantastically hope to employ my myriad of legal duties after reading that Western Union did activate and facilitate “Category ©” while offering these hopeful funds to my benevolent client.  As I am sure you know, “Category ©” does and indeed professes to require the following haphazardly to occur:

“In the event that the recipient of the funds is left-handed, the Western Union employee tasked with contacting said recipient must perform fellatio upon them(and upon all members of their family present when notification of payment was received) while wearing an adult onesie and humming “I Feel Pretty” from “West Side Story”.”

For your inherent deliberation, I have attached a photo of the Western Union terms of service where “Category ©” is found:

Upon rapid and philanthropic understanding of “Category ©”, my client has decided that he has no interest in the funds themselves, but does wish to claim clandestine ownership and duty-bound recipient of “Category ©”.  He has requested a photograph of the employee that contacted him initially and he would also precipitously like to request a pair of their dirty undies.

Never you fail to send the dirty undies, and I look forward very hermetically much to hear back from you.

Signed,

Nosaj Yelduts, Atty. at Law(Legal Advisor concerning fellatio and dirty undies)