E-Dribble

From: Jennie Parker <Jennie.Parker@uwe.ac.uk>
Reply-To: tntcourierxpressservice02@gmail.com

Subj: From Mr. West Oduduwa!

You have been selected for a confirmable Bank Draft of $950,000.00 USD, which await the outstanding payment of $150USD.Contact the TNT Courier Express Company for claims with your information. Contact person Mr. West Oduduwa,Tel;+2347033325490 Email:tntcourierxpressservice02@gmail.com

Damn it, bitches!  stop bouncing my carriage about!  I’m trying to draft an email!

Hello Mr. Oduduwapduwapshebop,

Wow! This is the second bank draft I’ll have been made owner of in the last month!  Although I’m still living quite the lavish lifestyle from the last deposit made to my bank account, I would very much be interested in receiving these funds as well, since I’m a greedy and stupid American.  I’m currently traveling the Midwest U.S. via a concubine-carried carriage and my cell phone lost it’s charge over a week ago, so we will have to handle this situation via email and the U.S. postal service.

From your contact, it seems that I owe you $150.00, which I would like to take care of.  Please withdraw $150 from my bank account to pay the fee.  In fact, withdraw an extra $10.00 and treat yourself to a cappuccino.

thanks,
json

From: Rosemary Olds <zamamartins7@gmail.com>

Subj: Your response is needed

Attn:

This might be a surprise to you about where I got your contact address. But all the same, I believe we do not need to be of blood relatives before we can establish Cordial relationship.

My name is Mrs. zama Olds Martin, the wife of late Mr. Martin Olds Martin, of Masingo Province of Zimbabwe. During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the supports of our President Robert Mugabe, to claim all the white-owned farms to his party members and his followers, he ordered all white farmers to surrender all their farms and Lands to his party members and his followers.

My husband is one of the richest farmers in our country and because he did not support President Mugabe’s ideas.His supporters invaded my husband’s farms and lands and burnt everything in the farms, killing my husband and made away with a lot of items.For more details visit: http://www.rte.ie/news/2000/0418/zimbabwe.html

Before my husband’s death he made it known to me that he deposited a huge sum of money with a Security Company in Johannesburg, South Africa. Then after my husband’s death, we decided to move to the Republic of South Africa seeking assylum.

I decided to contact you to assist me to transfer this fund out of South Africa because as (Refugee) Asylum seekers we are not allowed to operate any bank transaction within South Africa.

I have spent months in trying to get an overseas reliable contact, it is worthy to note that people are unreliable these days and even derive joy in telling lies.

On this ground I request your unreserved but sincere cooperation devoid of greed in carrying out this transaction so that no one amongst both of us shall defraud each other at the end. I am prepared to split the fund at 70%—30% for you, provided that mine (70%) will be intact at the end.

I wait your co-operation.

Thanks and God bless you.

Best Regards.

Mrs. Rosemary Martin Olds

Awwwwwkward…..

Hello there, Rosemary!

I must admit that at first, I was very curious about how you might have come across my contact email, but then I read the news article you linked to prove that you are really are truly who you say you are and that I can trust you because a Nigerian scammer would never link to something to try to prove that they are someone that they really are not.  After reading the article, it all made sense.  You see, I’m one of the guys that killed your husband and took over your farm and I lost my wallet somewhere that night.  I imagine you might not remember the specifics due to all the excitement of what was happening at the time, but I was the guy grunting like a baboon while hitting your husband in the head with a club crafted from one of those funny-face totems you can buy at the beach.  Let me tell you, my wife really gave me hell over that when she found bits of your husband’s brains and hair all over it.  In the end though, we both had a laugh over it, as you can’t stay angry when you’re looking at those funny faces.

Now that I have your farm, I see how very expensive it is running one and would very much appreciate 30% of your fortune.  I can’t get over how expensive everything is.  It’s admittedly getting cheaper every day, since I’ve eaten all of your cows, half of your goats, two of the slower running dogs and your daughter’s pet gerbil, but it’s still crazy expensive hiring people to do all the work around here(it’s very tiring and I’m more of a white-collar guy). If you would like to just bring the money by, I’ll be happy to meet you for tea.  Just call and leave a message with the butler(your son) and he’ll schedule you in.

thanks,
json

From: Advanced Finance <advancedfinance1@gmail.com>

Subj: Loan Offer at 3% (Serious Inquiry Only contact advancedfinance1@gmail.com)

DO YOU NEED A LOAN? IF YES THEN CONTACT US VIA EMAIL : advancedfinance1@gmail. com WITH YOUR INFORMATION.

THANKS

Before you judge me, just keep in mind that my wife left me, I’ve got a sick kid and my car just broke down.

From: Bob Wilson <gregsteve505@gmail.com>

Subj: URGENT ORDER

Hello
This is Bob and I will like to order ( Radial Piston )Do get back to me
with the types and cost for the ones you do carry and let me know if
there is an extra cost when using visa or master Card.Kindly get back
to me with your name Are you the sales manager or the Owner?
Regards….
Bob Wilson

Mr. Wilson, although it would seem that randomly spamming email addresses in search of radial pistons is an inefficient method of acquiring some, you’ve hit the lottery.

Hello Mr. Wilson,

We happen to have just under four billion radial pistons in stock, which you MUST purchase within the next four hours.  We don’t accept credit cards, however we are willing to barter for illiterate and ignorant Nigerians.  The way we’ve managed to create such a store of radial pistons is by having Nigerians shipped to us in exchange for past orders, placing them on the shop floor and telling them if they work really hard, they’ll get to meet a deposed prince’s wife.  They are whirling dervishes!

I look forward to your order.  You now have three hours, fifty two minutes and eleven seconds.

HURRY!
json
Head Sanitation Expert

Found in the spam folder:

Infosprite…

[...] something about infosprite[...]…

Oh yeah?

Spamming piece of shit…

[...] something concerning a funnel, a bottle of sulphuric acid and the spamming piece of shit’s colon[...]…

Mark left this in my spam folder:

Mark Dulisse: I am the biggest internet marketing god alive http://holycrapIdeletedyourURL.com

You’re wrong Mark, you’re just a spamming piece of shit. I can only hope you come to pay me a visit when checking your spam penetration.  I would love to discuss with you how you might have come to such a mistaken conclusion concerning what makes you so special.

I was browsing through my Akismet spam for something interesting(which very rarely happens) and actually found something that made me smile.  It was spam from a search engine optimization (SEO) company.

Here’s the spam, complete with links(don’t say I never did anything for you, Flux!)

(continue reading…)

Either Chinese gold farmers need to purchase a fucking dictionary, or Blizzard has been overrun by illiterate and foreign twelve year olds:

I received this via a contact form on one of my sites:

Here’s a submission for you:

User: Justin Madrid

Name: Justin Madrid

Email: justinmadrid72@gmail.com

Comment:

Promotion of your website

We strongly believe that we have an excellent opportunity to increase the number
of visitors to your website through our white-hat SEO services. Please simply reply
to this message and we will be delighted to send you further information.

Although his offer is almost too good to be refused, I believe I may have outdone him.

Hi Justin,

I strongly believe you are a spamming piece of shit.  Please simply reply to this message with your precise location(either proper address or GPS coordinates) and I would be delighted to come find you, pull your bottom lip completely over your head and cockpunch you until both of your testicles are the size of weather balloons.

thanks,
json

I’ve been practicing on cantaloupes.

I’m speaking, of course, about forms.  I’ve written in the past about my attempts to build a bot proof and spam resistant form.  I use the two terms independently because they are two very different things.  Even if you block bots, you’ve not necessarily stopped the humans that post to test the forms as well as posting actual spam. If you’ve built the form correctly, it’s actually impossible to completely block spam.  A human posting spam is indistinguishable from a human using your form for legitimate purposes.  Well, aside from the fact that they’re stupid.  And evil.

I digress.  Let’s get to the form bits.  In my past posts, I’ve spoken about broad concepts that have worked for me.  This time, I’m going to provide the actual code I’m using.    With my latest change of checking for a valid MX record, I’ve completely stopped spam on the form that I’m using this on for over a month.

(continue reading…)